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August 15, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Sorry I didn't read and especially review any sooner, hun. Was too busy to even turn on the computer. :(
No, I don't mind you asking. :) Uhm, I can't quite explain why I like you and your ideas so much. It's grown into this rather slowly. After you had posted the first few chapters of "Music" and kept replying to my reviews, I've just grown into liking you. It's like I experienced you getting better with every new posting. You visibly improved, you responded to suggestions and hints, and you took every single review seriously (apart from my silly parts in them, of course). I always had the feeling as if you really wanted to learn and know our opinions. That's what probably made you likeable in my eyes. Reasonable explanation? ;)
And yes, hypnotic trait has been added to your mind-reading skills. *lol*
Now, on with the real review: "... the blonde behind me looked like Mount Vesuvius ready to erupt". *lol* Most hilarious line!
I immensely liked the apology scene in chapter 4. I could almost smell the woods and see Jasper and Whitaker sitting in front of me. It was... intense, in a very good way.
Also, it's pretty realistic that everything develops rather slowly between them. I like that. Makes it seem both very serious and fluffy at the same time. :)
No, I don't mind you asking. :) Uhm, I can't quite explain why I like you and your ideas so much. It's grown into this rather slowly. After you had posted the first few chapters of "Music" and kept replying to my reviews, I've just grown into liking you. It's like I experienced you getting better with every new posting. You visibly improved, you responded to suggestions and hints, and you took every single review seriously (apart from my silly parts in them, of course). I always had the feeling as if you really wanted to learn and know our opinions. That's what probably made you likeable in my eyes. Reasonable explanation? ;)
And yes, hypnotic trait has been added to your mind-reading skills. *lol*
Now, on with the real review: "... the blonde behind me looked like Mount Vesuvius ready to erupt". *lol* Most hilarious line!
I immensely liked the apology scene in chapter 4. I could almost smell the woods and see Jasper and Whitaker sitting in front of me. It was... intense, in a very good way.
Also, it's pretty realistic that everything develops rather slowly between them. I like that. Makes it seem both very serious and fluffy at the same time. :)
schedule
August 7, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Hey,
Alright I’m going to assume that since this is a Twilight fanfic, you’re a young writer. I use to be a young writer too, and the reviews I received from this site have helped shape me into the much more talented writer that I am today. I think you have amazing ideas, and I like what you’re doing with this, but this fic needs a lot of work.
-First your characters are completely out of character. They act nothing like Meyer’s characters.
-Secondly, there is no romantic build between your main character and Jasper. It’s like the Twilight movie when overnight Bella has feelings for Edward. In future works you need to add scenes where it shows the two characters getting closer. Like in the Twilight novel the blood typing scene, it really shows Bella and Edward getting closer and starting to fall for each other. In your fic Jasper and your MC have one conversation and they both have feelings for each other. It doesn’t make any sense.
-Details are your friend. You have some great ideas but they need to be explored. I love this sentence “He led me to a small clearing not far from the house. There was a stone bench in the center of it. He sat and indicated I sit next to him.” Taken from your fourth chapter. But I really think it should be split into two paragraphs and elaborated. I mean describe the clearing to us. What can you see? What do you hear? Is there moonlight? Stars? Is there any wind? Is it a warm breeze? Cold?
“He led me to a small clearing not far from the house. As we walked, the crickets sang their song of approval. The thin air was cool on my exposed neck, sending shivers down my spine. In the distance I could see a stone bench placed at the bottom of a willow tree. A couple of stray flowers grew along the bench. It was gorgeous.
I look over to Jasper; the sight stealing my breath away. He stood, basking in the moonlight. The shine highlighted his features… he looked beautiful. I wanted to run over to him and kiss him under the stars, but he turned his back. I watched as Jasper walked over towards the bench, silently resting upon it. He raised his hand and indicated for me to sit next to him.”
Looking at these two paragraphs opposed to those three sentences, you can see the much strong writing by merely adding details. I mean it’s not my best writing, but I’m kinda tired lol.
But yeah I want you to keep writing, as often as you can. You have amazing ideas and potential. The only way to get better is by writing more.
If you want any more tips, my e-mail is flavitup269@hotmail.com
-John
Alright I’m going to assume that since this is a Twilight fanfic, you’re a young writer. I use to be a young writer too, and the reviews I received from this site have helped shape me into the much more talented writer that I am today. I think you have amazing ideas, and I like what you’re doing with this, but this fic needs a lot of work.
-First your characters are completely out of character. They act nothing like Meyer’s characters.
-Secondly, there is no romantic build between your main character and Jasper. It’s like the Twilight movie when overnight Bella has feelings for Edward. In future works you need to add scenes where it shows the two characters getting closer. Like in the Twilight novel the blood typing scene, it really shows Bella and Edward getting closer and starting to fall for each other. In your fic Jasper and your MC have one conversation and they both have feelings for each other. It doesn’t make any sense.
-Details are your friend. You have some great ideas but they need to be explored. I love this sentence “He led me to a small clearing not far from the house. There was a stone bench in the center of it. He sat and indicated I sit next to him.” Taken from your fourth chapter. But I really think it should be split into two paragraphs and elaborated. I mean describe the clearing to us. What can you see? What do you hear? Is there moonlight? Stars? Is there any wind? Is it a warm breeze? Cold?
“He led me to a small clearing not far from the house. As we walked, the crickets sang their song of approval. The thin air was cool on my exposed neck, sending shivers down my spine. In the distance I could see a stone bench placed at the bottom of a willow tree. A couple of stray flowers grew along the bench. It was gorgeous.
I look over to Jasper; the sight stealing my breath away. He stood, basking in the moonlight. The shine highlighted his features… he looked beautiful. I wanted to run over to him and kiss him under the stars, but he turned his back. I watched as Jasper walked over towards the bench, silently resting upon it. He raised his hand and indicated for me to sit next to him.”
Looking at these two paragraphs opposed to those three sentences, you can see the much strong writing by merely adding details. I mean it’s not my best writing, but I’m kinda tired lol.
But yeah I want you to keep writing, as often as you can. You have amazing ideas and potential. The only way to get better is by writing more.
If you want any more tips, my e-mail is flavitup269@hotmail.com
-John
schedule
August 7, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Awwww I think it's sweet. I cant wait to read more.
schedule
August 7, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Sora269--I'm young, but I'm old enough to be here, thankfully. Thank you very much for your pointers. If I could ask a favor, could you tell me where I messed up with the characters? I want to correct it. And...it's not that they have feelings yet...kind of a...mutual attraction? I'll try to describe things better. :) But I'm writing what Whitaker notices... (*whisper* He's not very perceptive. lol) And thank you, again. I like corrections. :D
No problem, I'll be looking reading through your story and throwing in anything else I think could help you out. Just wanted to give you some Kudos, I think this chapter was a lot stronger than the previous =]
As for the characters, Edward is the only one that is REALLY bad. He's much more like Rosalie, quick to blame Whitaker for everything. He kind of reminds me when Rosalie calls Edward in New Moon. He seems just all around cold and unfeeling.
Bella's okay, she doesn't really have any personality in the books, so it's impossible to screw her up lol.
And Jasper's pretty close, but the thing you need to remember about him is he's a tortured soul. He longs for human blood every second, more so than any of the other Cullens. I think it would be very unlikely for Jasper to be this close to human, and kissing his hand out of no where, you know? I mean he's a dark kid, Jasper. I think it would be cool if you went into that a bit.
Like I said before though, I REALLY like what you did with this chapter. I especially like how you ended it, adding hints that something terrible has happen to Whitaker, resulting in his faulty memory... Very interesting.
So I'll be waiting for an update!
Take care,
-John
No problem, I'll be looking reading through your story and throwing in anything else I think could help you out. Just wanted to give you some Kudos, I think this chapter was a lot stronger than the previous =]
As for the characters, Edward is the only one that is REALLY bad. He's much more like Rosalie, quick to blame Whitaker for everything. He kind of reminds me when Rosalie calls Edward in New Moon. He seems just all around cold and unfeeling.
Bella's okay, she doesn't really have any personality in the books, so it's impossible to screw her up lol.
And Jasper's pretty close, but the thing you need to remember about him is he's a tortured soul. He longs for human blood every second, more so than any of the other Cullens. I think it would be very unlikely for Jasper to be this close to human, and kissing his hand out of no where, you know? I mean he's a dark kid, Jasper. I think it would be cool if you went into that a bit.
Like I said before though, I REALLY like what you did with this chapter. I especially like how you ended it, adding hints that something terrible has happen to Whitaker, resulting in his faulty memory... Very interesting.
So I'll be waiting for an update!
Take care,
-John
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August 6, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I think it is definitely an interesting story. I would really like to see where it goes
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August 5, 2009 at 12:00 AM
I cant wait for more!
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August 4, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Yes, continue this. Pweeeze! Well, as long as you continue 'Music' too. Hehe. I'm assuming Jasper's control is much better in this story.
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August 4, 2009 at 12:00 AM
its really good, i hope whitaker and jasper end up together
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July 29, 2009 at 12:00 AM
You know, this chapter 2 just kinda hooked me to the story like it was hypnotizing me. I was already really curious after chapter 1, but now I just can't wait for what's gonna happen next. I'm glad you posted it, hun. :)
Once again, I damn well know why I like you and your ideas so much... *she said, wondering how far it is from being a big fan to turning into a stalker* *lol* Just kidding, don't worry!
Once again, I damn well know why I like you and your ideas so much... *she said, wondering how far it is from being a big fan to turning into a stalker* *lol* Just kidding, don't worry!
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July 20, 2009 at 12:00 AM
Wonderful start!
I can't wait to read the rest :) but i do not like either of thsoe names maybe it'll be a good thing if you go to one of those baby name sites and look for names with a W there
I can't wait to read the rest :) but i do not like either of thsoe names maybe it'll be a good thing if you go to one of those baby name sites and look for names with a W there