The Many Adventures of Adams-Apple-Gurl
The Many Adventures of Adams-Apple-Gurl
The Many Adventures of Adams-Apple-Gurl
Flora_Winters
Disclaimer: I do not own Snow White, and I’m not making any money here either.
Summary: If you thought you knew Snow White and other fairytales Grimm, well, guess again. Cocaine has nothing on this crack. Language, MM, OC, Violence
Prologue
Once below a long time ago, there resided a magical kingdom upon high. It was a beautiful land, filled with sunshine bright and happy, bubbly people. The realm was famous for its fields of sparkling emeralds and narrow streets of molten gold.
During a long winter, the lovely queen stood at her window, looking out at a frozen world of shimmering white. The heart which beat within her chest was heavy, for she could not bear her king a child.
Reaching out, she went to pluck a frosty rose, pricking her finger on an icy thorn. A drop of crimson fell upon white rose petals, followed by one more, sparkling in the light like fallen rubies.
Putting her injured finger to her pale lips, she made a wish deep within her soul.
“I long for a beautiful child,” she spoke, enchanted by her own spilled blood. “A child with flesh like snow, hair the color of starless night, eyes as blue as silver moonlight on water, and lips the lush color of blood splattered roses.”
A cold wind stung her eyes, bringing salty tears to them. Closing the window gently, she stepped back with a strange smile.
Nine months later, a child was born. The lovely queen never saw her child’s face or held the snowy baby in her arms.
She had died.
Eighteen years later
“Adams-Apple-Gurl!” Step-Mama-Bitch-Queen shrieked like some seasick siren, stomping hir sharp heel. “What have I told you about messing with my shoes?”
Spinning around in a sharp hiss of flowing silk, blue eyes glared at the scary dragmonster, rolling around behind long lashes. S/he looked down at the gorgeous shoes on hir dainty feet, smiling ever so wickedly.
“I’m not gonna tell you again, little gurl,” Step-Mama-Bitch-Queen harped on, shimmering and shining like some great glitter explosion. “Stay out of my godsdamned closet or I’m gonna teach you a lesson you’ll never forget.”
Adams-Apple-Gurl looked at the painted queen, slowly cocking hir head to the side. S/he didn’t like being threatened at all. That was how hir first stepmonster ended up at the bottom of the grand staircase, twisted, broken, and bloody, lying amidst the shards of glass from her stupid magic mirror.
“Don’t you dare look at me in that tone of attitude,” the big footed bitch with the large hands barked. “Take off my shoes this instant and get back to your chores.”
Ever so reluctantly, Adams-Apple-Gurl did as s/he was told. If it hadn’t been for that retarded queen and that stupid banana, s/he’d still be a real girl. Not this still ever so fair, but flat chested, slender as a damn willow reed, boy in a pretty gown.
“Get out!” Step-Mama-Bitch-Queen roared, throwing hirself at the shoes. “Oh, my pretties! My precious pretties!”
S/he did just that. It would be hopeless running to father. King-Daddy-Dick-Whipped was just that. How he couldn’t tell that Step-Mama-Bitch-Queen was really a man was beyond hir. It must have something to do with the very short leash Step-Mama-Bitch-Queen kept him on.
Adams-Apple-Gurl really needed to run away. S/he couldn’t take it anymore. There had to be a prince somewhere in the realm that could fall in love with hir and make her a real girl.
“Why can’t you be like your cousin?” King-Daddy-Dick-Whipped had asked hir one supper ago on behest of Step-Mama-Bitch-Queen. “Even though she is one of those pretty in pink lesbians, Rapunzel’s-Princess is worth five of you. Who would want to marry a cursed boy in a dress? You need to learn how to be a man now.”
That blond pussy slurper had killed Rapunzel in an explosive fit of lipstick rage. The bald dyke in the high witch’s tower had told the pretty pink nightmare that she was only into chicks who roll their own tampons.
So, Rapunzel’s-Princess had her pretty pink dragon, Shnookums, burn the bitch down.
No, really.
“BURN THE BITCH DOWN!”
So, Shnookums huffed and puffed and burned the bitch down.
Adams-Apple-Gurl rolled hir eyes.
Rapunzel’s-Princess needed a new name.
“Adams-Apple-Gurl,” A voice called to hir. “The ever so manly and handsome Prince Vertigo-Stick will be here in three days.”
S/he dropped hir head. Waves of shiny darkness fluttered about her like waves of spider silk.
“What of Prince-Disco-Stick?”
“He and Prince-Joystick had an accident,” the servant whispered. “They had a bit too much to drink and got stuck in each other. The physician has his hands full.”
Adams-Apple-Gurl spun away. S/he didn’t want to picture that.
It was time to run the hell away. Let all these fools have each other.
S/he needed a prince. A real prince. A prince to make hir a real girl again.
TBC…