Feminine Woes

Note: Once again WARNING: EDWARD IS VERY OOC! I don't want to be flamed because you don't like it. :D Now that's out of the way ENJOY!

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Jean-Claude sighed as he sat at his desk, looking through file after file. Sometimes, on nights like this, he grew bored with his existence. With as many businesses as he owned, one would think that were impossible... but non. It was monotonous. Sign here, call this number and complain... hire this talent, fire that one... What he would give for a good conquest... Especially since Anita's accident. Odd. One would think she, a necromancer, would know better to raise someone she had killed as a zombie... ah, but she had... and the Executioner had been executed with little fuss.

Edward flashed his new Terry Morgan ID to Buzz. He headed straight for Jean-Claude's office. He slipped inside without bothering to knock. "Jean-Claude, I need your help."

The Master of the City glanced up, quirking a brow. "Pardon Moi, mademoiselle, but I do not believe that we have met before..."

"It's Edward." He sat down in the chair across from him. "Yesterday, I hunted down this witch. As she was dying, she cursed me. Today, I wake up and I'm a woman!"

The vampire blinked, his lips twitching. "You'll have to forgive me, Cherie, but I doubt Death would be foolish enough to be placed under any sort of spell."

"I once used a flamethrower to take out a kiss of vampires. I drive a hummer." He tried to think of something to get him to believe him. "I gave Anita two mini Uzis as a gift and a sawed off shotgun."

Jean-Claude's eyes widened, and he burst out laughing. "Mon Dieu! It cannot be! Death himself... in a skirt!"

"Shut up! It's what the maid brought me. It's bad enough that I don't have a penis." He growled, but it didn't sound right with a woman's voice.

That little outburst, however, just made the Master of the City laugh harder, tears slipping down his pale cheeks. "Sacre merde... this... I must tell Asher!"

"No!" He groaned. "You can't tell anyone. Just help me fix it!"

"Are you suggesting that perhaps I pay for plastic surgery?" He smirked, running a lecherous eye over Edward's form. "I, personally think that you're rather lovely like this. Bountiful breasts, curved hips... not too thin..."

"Don't look at me like that. And I'm asking you to help me find a witch to cure me." He frowned. "I want to get back to being a man as soon as possible."

"Ah, you have not even been tempted to discover the wonders of a woman's body, Mon Ami?" Jean-Claude smirked. "Perhaps my friend was correct and you do, how do you say... Bat for the other team?"

"I am not playing with this body. I am going to become a man again as soon as possible."

"And you have never wondered what a female orgasm is like? The wonder of being able to experience it again and again until you are but boneless on the bed?" Jean-Claude infused his voice with sex, far too... amused and otherwise interested in this situation for his own good.

Edward started at Jean-Claude, thinking of all the ways he could end the damn vampire's life. "Jean-Claude...I just want to be normal again..."

He sighed. "Fine... I shall help you.... or do my best to do so. However, Mon Femme, I would suggest that you get used to being a woman for a while."

He scowled. "Don't call me Femme." Edward pouted in front of him. "Can I stay in the Circus while we fix this?"

"The rooms are full, unless you object to staying in my bed. I fear that the others would notice something amiss, what with you being human. In my bed, it would seem you were a simple meal, non?" Jean-Claude lounged in his chair, the pose sexy as he always was.

Edward bit his bottom lip. He blinked a few times. "Fine, but keep your dead hands off my body."

"You may have missed this in your days of hunting my kind... but vampires and weres know when someone has been bitten and when they have not." Jean-Claude's eyes narrowed. "And you ask much for someone in your situation."

"I don't do guys." Edward challenged. "Even if I do have a vagina. Sharing blood...maybe, but only IF I say so." He sat back in the chair. This day was the worst in his life. "I have my stuff in the hummer."

"Perhaps you should consider leaving, for you assume much." The Master of the City stood, the room welling in power. "I never said I would even wish to touch someone such as yourself- non, you are assuming much. I shall, however, explain it by assuming you have PMS, and thusly not rip out your throat."

Edward paled. He hadn't thought of having a period. Maybe that's why he felt so odd. "Oh God...I think I'm going to be sick."

Satisfied at properly mentally scaring the assassin, Jean-Claude seated himself once more. "Indeed."

He closed his eyes, hoping he could make it to tomorrow. "Can we just go please?" He asked him softly.

Hearing the please, Jean-Claude frowned and stood yet again. Please was not a common word to pass Edward's lips, in any situation. "Oui. If you'll follow moi..."

Edward rose, pulling down the skirt. "Girls clothes suck a lot. This is the only outfit I have that even fits me anymore."

"You had a skirt before, Mon Ami?" Jean-Claude quirked a brow, his tone interested.

"You know what I mean." They headed out to his Hummer. He growled as he had to jump a little to get into the driver's seat. No penis and he was shorter. This whole thing blowed.

Jean-Claude looked out the window so that Edward would not see the smirk on his lips.

Edward parked behind the circus and headed inside with Jean-Claude. He prayed no one would see them.

"You walk like a man." Jean-Claude sighed, shaking his head.

"I don't know how to walk like a woman." Edward told him.

"Then you shall have to learn." He said, rubbing his lips to hide his smirk.

"I'm sure you'll teach me." Edward looked at him.

"Non. I shall simply put you in high heels."

A pure look of horror crossed his face. "High...heels..."

"Indeed. Four inches should do it."

"F-four!" He stuttered.

"Hey, Jean-Claude. Who's the hottie?" Jason asked as he came walking up.

"A friend, Mon Pomme. This is my Pomme de Sang, Jason." Jean-Claude said, clearly waiting for Edward to give him whatever alias he had chosen.

"Terry Morgan." He offered Jason his hand.

Jason kissed his hand. "It's a pleasure."

Edward jerked his hand back in disgust.

"Now, Cherie..." Jean-Claude took Edward's hand, twining his fingers with the assassin's, making it clear to Jason that she was off limits. "He is simply friendly..."

Edward froze up when Jean-Claude grabbed his hand. "Yeah...I'm his." He shuddered on the inside at that thought.

"Hey, sorry. I didn't know." Jason smiled at them and wandered off.

"He will be back, so do not think of pulling away." Jean-Claude knew his wolf well, and curiosity... well, Jason possessed more than the average cat.

Edward kept adjusting his hand. It felt weird to hold another man's hand. They descended the stairs to go towards Jean-Claude's room.

"You fidget far too much."

"I'm sorry." He looked over at him. "I don't hold another man's hand very often."

"Ah, but you are a woman." Jean-Claude lead him into his rooms, sighing.

"I know, but... it'll take getting used to just like everything else." He sat down on Jean-Claude's bed.

"Indeed. Now... why were you chasing this witch, and how exactly, did she curse you?"

"She killed her lover and his mistress then decided to use them in some potions. I shot her in the chest and she cursed me as she died." Edward adjusted his seating, his skirt slid up a bit as he did it.

"Ah... I uh... See." Indeed. Edward might be a grown woman... oui... but he was as smooth babe, and baring himself for all to see. "Lesson number one... keep your legs together."

Edward closed his legs quickly. His face burned as he looked away from Jean-Claude. "I suck at being a chick."

"Indeed. Hopefully you shall not have to get good at it." Jean-Claude turned from the blonde, grabbing the phone.

Edward sighed as Jean-Claude picked the phone up.

"Ah, Julie? Oui... I have a new friend... however, I am afraid that the airline has lost her luggage. Oui, I agree. Yes, next time I shall insist she use my private jet, however, until then I would like a selection of women's clothing delivered to the Circus..."

Edward fidgeted as Jean-Claude talked, not know what else to do.

"Sizes? Ah... one moment, si vous plait." Setting the phone down, Jean-Claude did something that would no doubt piss off her lovely guest. He pulled Edward to his feet, and began measuring with his hands, cupping his breasts, then his waist.

Edward's eyes went wide. "What the fuck!" He shoved Jean-Claude's hands away from him. "Why are you feeling me up?"

"Ah, yes, Cherie. She is a size eight, and a 36 B."

Edward crossed his arms over his chest. He sat back down on the bed, pouting.

A moment later, the vampire hung up. "Do not sulk, Mon Ami. It is most unbecoming."

"You can warn me when you're going to grab me." Edward retorted.

"Why?"

Because it felt kind of good... "Because it's odd to be felt up."

"And you disliked the fact that your nipples beaded against my hands." Jean-Claude smirked, lounging in a chair.

Edward glared at him. "Shut up. It's these damn female hormones. I don't know how chicks don't go nuts."

"Ah ah ah... ladies do not swear, Cherie."

"Fuck you." He said.

"Is that an offer?"

"No it is not!" Edward yelled as he stormed into the bathroom, locking the door behind him.

Jean-Claude, however, only laughed. Just like a woman...

Edward sat down on the floor, sighing.

"Will you be sulking all day, Edward?"

He ignored Jean-Claude.

Shortly, a selection of clothing had been delivered. "Edward! Come out, you must be properly outfitted!"

Edward unlocked the door and headed back into the room.

"I have an outfit, selected, Edward." Jean-Claude motioned to the short black skirt, skimpy red halter that would bare his navel, leather jacket and knee high boots.

"I am not wearing that. I'll look like a whore." He picked up the halter top.

The Master of the City crossed his arms over his chest, staring at Edward. "Indeed. However, I believe that you will wear it."

"Jean-Claude, do you have anything that doesn't scream 'fuck me now'?" He asked.

"Non.... because no one who would sleep in my bed would be allowed to dress with your deplorable sense of style."

Edward growled as he grabbed the clothes and retreated into the bathroom. Damn Jean-Claude and his stupid clothes.

Jean-Claude sat patiently, waiting.

He came out a few minutes later, dressed. He shifted around trying to get comfortable, but thongs were made by the devil himself. Finally he gave up. "Happy?"

"Hmm... oui. It'll do for now."

"These boots are killing me. Do I have to wear heeled boots?"

"Walk from one end of the room to the other, Edward." Jean-Claude motioned.

Edward frowned and did as he asked.

"Oui. You do. You see, Edward... you now walk like a woman. I do not care if the person you put in heels is a six foot four trucker with a beer belly who reeks of alcohol... he will walk like a woman, and it's a rather sexy walk on most."

Edward sank down onto the bed. "How do women wank around all day wearing heels? They suck ass." He rubbed his hand over his face.

"Indeed. They do."

He laid back on the bed, sighing. "Do you know any witches I can talk to about this?"

"Not off the top of my head, but I am sure that we shall find someone."

"Yeah." He said. "What do we do in the mean time?"

"Play strip poker, of course." Jean-Claude rolled his eyes.

"Ok... what are we really going to do?"

"I, Edward, have no idea."

"Did you get some clothes that I can sleep in?" Edward asked the vampire.

"Every thing you could need is on the racks, Mon Ami." Jean-Claude sighed, his gaze running over Edward. As a woman, he did have rather great legs...

"Thanks." He closed his eyes only to feel Jean-Claude gaze on him. "Stop staring at me."

"Why?"

"It's unnerving." He sat up and took the leather jacket off. It was too hot for that.

Jean-Claude smirked. "How so?"

"I just don't like being stared at."

"Yet you stare at moi..." Jean-Claude pointed this out calmly, toying with the lace on his cuffs. Dieu, but Edward was an enchanting woman...

"I study people. I don't stare. There's a difference." He got up and headed over to the rack of clothes. "Um...Jean-Claude?"

"Oui?"

He pulled out what appeared to be a teddy. "All the sleep clothes are like this."

"Ah. I see." His lips quirked.

"These clothes aren't made for sleeping in." He put the teddy back on the rack. "I have some clothes I can sleep in. They'll be baggy but whatever."

"Pray tell, what are they made for then?" Jean-Claude watched Edward move. "You are a natural in heels..."

"They're made for getting a guy into bed so he can take it off you." He shrugged. "They're ok now."

Jean-Claude moved over towards his wardrobe, seeing that it was nearing dawn as he pulled off his shirt.

Edward ran his gaze over Jean-Claude's back, noticing the scars and the well defined muscles. He swallowed and quickly looked away. Damn female hormones. You had a penis once, Edward, remember that.

"Now who is staring, Edward?" Smirking, Jean-Claude stripped himself of his boots, then began to slip unabashedly out of his pants, confident in his nudity.

Edward grabbed his keys. "I'll go grab my clothes from the car." He quickly left the room.

Jean-Claude simply laughed.

Edward came back ten minutes later with a few bags. He set them down next to the rack of clothes.

Jean-Claude emerged from the bathroom in a silk pair of sleep pants and a silk robe framing his body, both the exact shade of his eyes.

Edward grabbed a shirt and a pair of boxers out of is bag. His shirt was off before he realized he was now a girl...and well, Jean-Claude was a guy.

"A free show?" The Master of the City allowed his gaze to caress Edward's... breasts... his voice dripping in sex.

Edward covered himself with the halter top. "No. I forgot." He quickly headed into the bathroom to change. Damn Jean-Claude and the voice.

Grinning widely enough to show fang, he made himself comfortable on the bed.

Edward came out a few minutes later wearing a bagging shirt and boxers.

"Proper, now, Cherie?"

"It'll do for now." He said. He was used to sleeping naked most nights, but he didn't trust Jean-Claude enough to do that.

"Let me make myself very clear, Edward... endeavor to harm me during my death and you *will* regret it." His tone and demeanor were pleasant, but the threat was clear.

"Right now Jean-Claude, you're the only person who can help me. So keep your hands and your eyes to yourself and we'll be fine. Remember, this was your idea." He climbed into bed with the vampire.

"I could make you room with Jason."

Edward cringed. "I won't do anything to you while you sleep. Scouts' honor."

"Were you a scout?"

"Maybe in another life. Certainly, not in the nightmare I'm living right now."

"I cannot imagine." Jean-Claude closed his eyes. "You may turn off the light."

Edward turned the light off and laid back down beside Jean-Claude. It was going to be a long day...

"Stop fidgeting." Jean-Claude nearly growled the words.

"Sorry, but you sheets feel weird." He finally settled down. "Besides, what do you care? You die at dawn."

"It is still an hour before then, and I would like sleep. And these sheets are satin. They feel fine."

Edward froze as he felt Jean-Claude touch his hip.

The Master of the City stretched, brushing up against Edward's warmth without meaning to. "Je suis desole."

"It's ok." He said, rolling over onto his side and away from Jean-Claude.

The move pulled the blankets off of the vampire. "Simply because I'm a vampire does not give you the right to take the blankets off of me in my bed."

Edward shoved the blanket towards him. "Here, I'm not even cold." He growled, but as a girl it sounded more like a purr.

Jean-Claude scowled, scooting closer to the assassin. "Here. Now we can share. Stop pouting."

Jean-Claude was pressed against him back down. "Really, I'm fine. I don't want any covers."

"Just shut up, Edward." The vampire rolled his eyes, tucking an arm around his waist.

"Do you have to put your arm around like me like your holding a lover?" He pushed his arm off of him.

Jean-Claude growled, sitting up. "You are insufferable! Mon dieu, even as a male I doubt you've stopped bitching and killing enough to make love even once before!"

Edward, though in a woman's body, still had the eyes of Death. "You don't know the first thing about me or who I once loved, so don't pretend to know or care.'' He closed his eyes and feigned sleep.

Unafraid, but rather taken aback at his own actions, Jean-Claude sighed. "Je suis desole..." He told the sleeping Death.

Death pushed away the memories that swam to the surface as he always did. He laid there and finally managed to sleep.