Baser Urges

I tense and roll away from his once comforting arms. The gentle lassitude of the moment dissipating. Shaking with anger I wrap myself in a sheet and rise from the bed. Stooping for my gun and calming at the familiar feel of steel in my grip, I turn toward Edward and see him looking at me with a guarded expression.

“What the fuck is that supposed to be? A trick question?”

Edward begins to move towards me and I aim the gun at his chest.

“Don’t push me Edward. It’s all I can do not to shoot you right now.”

Settling back into the pillows he looks at me in confusion.

“What did I do wrong Anita?”

I feel tears burn my eyes and my anger turns to rage. ‘Fuck, no one makes me cry.’ They roll down my cheeks and leave a hot trail behind them. I whirl away and run for the safety of the bathroom. Slamming and locking the door, I slump down to the floor in front of it. I huddle my gun close to me and let the tears flow freely. Biting my knuckles I can’t help but chant ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’ as I try to dam the flood. The knock on the door was completely expected but just as completely unwelcome.

“Anita?”

Fuck! I so don’t need to hear Edward’s voice full of concern. What I needed was something to help me stifle the flow of tears. And how dare he sound like that after what he said. Bastard!

“Go away Edward.”

There’s a pause and, just as I think he did as I asked for once, another knock.

“Damn it Edward! Don’t push me right now or I am liable to shoot you right through this fucking door.”

“Five minutes Anita and then, gun or no, we’re discussing this.”

I wrap my arms around myself and take a few breaths. After calming I wipe my face of the tears that still clung to my cheeks. 

‘How could he cheapen this? Why am I reacting this way? I know Edward. He doesn’t do feelings. Maybe this being the ardeur was his way of explaining away what happened. I mean men will naturally rise to the occasion if a woman wants them. Why would he be any different?’  I pause in my thoughts to stand and look in the mirror. My eyes are red-rimmed from crying and my cheeks are swollen and flushed. Running cold water I splash my face and hold my wrists under to cool down. My gun getting wet but, at the moment, I don’t care.  It’ll dry. I turn off the water and continue my musings. ‘This whole thing was his idea damn it! If he didn’t want to, he should have let me bring somebody like I wanted to. Then, this wouldn’t have happened. No sex, no confusion, no nothing. Of course it wasn’t the ardeur that had me jumping his bones. Fuck, why can’t anything be simple? Especially with Edward. He always has to be Mr. Enigma. No straight answers and always competing. Why can’t he stop the macho shit? I’m a girl damn it! Treat me like one. No, I did not just think that. I so don’t want Edward treating me like a girl. Shit! I so do. What the hell is wrong with me? Where did this come from?’ I look over my shoulder at the knock. Fuck five minutes already! I square my shoulders and open the door. At the sight of Edward leaning against the door jam, I just want to continue hiding in the bathroom. Since I hate feeling that way I feel the anger begin to return.  I walk over to the bed and see clothes set out for me.

“Go ahead and dress. I have to use the bathroom anyway.”

After the emotional tirade in the bathroom I just turn to my clothes and dress. Feeling better once I am covered I decide to throw on shoes as well. You never know when you’ll need to run. As I am just finishing tying my shoes, Edward walks out of the bathroom. Talk about timing. I wave him over to sit beside me on the bed. Hey I can be reasonable. Really. I notice him getting ready to speak and place a hand over his mouth to keep him silent. I so did not need him ruining this again.

“Just let me talk for now ok?”

At his nod I remove my hand.

“I know you’re curious about what just happened and I will try to explain as best as I can. First let me tell you something.”

I pause for a moment and then continue.

“That was not the ardeur.”

His eyes widen and I give him a look so he stays silent. 

“Before you start I want, no need. I need to explain.”

I look at my lap and concentrate on my hands. ‘Alright, I can do this.’

“I don’t know why I reacted the way I did to what you said. I mean you were only going to have sex with me…” I can’t help but cringe at the phrasing. “to feed the ardeur. I didn’t mean to take advantage. I’m very sorry Edward. I really don’t know what I was thinking.”

I force myself to look him in the eyes. I mentally cringe at the blank stare. 

‘Well really, what did I expect? A big hug and a thank you?’

I roll my eyes at my stupidity. I go to move from the bed and stop only when Edward grabs my arm. I look over my shoulder at him and resume my seat.

“Now it’s my turn. You be silent till I’M finished.”