Cellulose & Steel

Something wakes up somewhere. Does it matter? It doesn’t feel much. It’s just sort of there. It can’t tell if it does anything. It’s just… there. It doesn’t know if it’s alive or dead or something completely different. That matters. Maybe it’s in hell. Hell sounds nice. Being there is probably stable. It’s probably warm, like a hug. It doesn’t want to be wherever it is, but it doesn’t want to be elsewhere. Is there an elsewhere? Is it God? What’s a god? What’s a word? What does being awake mean? Maybe the thing isn’t real after all. That would be nice.
Something feels something. That’s called pain. It barely notices. It remembers pain is supposed to be a bad thing. That’s a shame, but it can’t do much about it. Maybe that’s why this is hell. That makes sense. A place with nothing and then pain, just because. It doesn’t really mind the pain. It doesn’t exist any more. Did it ever? It’s weird how things like “pain” can just not exist, exist, and not exist, just because. Maybe pain is God. That makes sense. Pain is a nice god for being somewhere else. A good god is one who is elsewhere. It likes that.
The pain is back. God heard it and is punishing it for summoning it. Pain is nowhere. It doesn’t know where Pain is, but it isn’t in it. Yet Pain touches it anyway. True divinity. It feels reverence for Pain. Things that don’t exist can’t revere things that do exist. Something is here.
Where is here? Is here a where? Is there a somewhere, if there is a nowhere? Is here awake? Is awake here? Is awake nowhere? It doesn’t? Isn’t it? Is it Pain? If Pain is all, then Pain is it. Is it made of pain? Then it couldn’t exist and not be pain. Then Pain is not it. It is, and nothing else.
Pain comes again, putting is into it. Now it is, and Pain is. Is it Pain’s bride, a goddess made for a god? What isn’t Pain? It is, thus it isn’t not, unless only pain is, then it would be Pain. It is not Pain, but it isn’t Notpain. No, it is Notpain, but it isn’t unpain. Is it? Unpain is not. Notpain is not pain, but is not unpain. What is not pain?
Pleasure.
It doesn’t care, not really. Is caring pain? Yes. Of course. It can’t care. It doesn’t understand. It doesn’t want to understand. To want is to care.
Notpain does not understand that it is Pleasure, nor does it care. It simply is. That knowledge is comfort. Is comfort pleasure? Yes. Then Notpain is Pleasure. It feels wise to have discerned such a secret. Pleasure is wise. It feels pride in its wisdom. Pleasure is- something. Pleasure is some thing. It’s a thing. It exists. It doesn’t like that. It tries to care, but it cannot, only Pain can care. It does not love Pain. Pain simply is, as Pleasure simply is. What does Pain feel? Pleasure tries to touch it, but it isn’t. It can’t. It touches nothing and nothing touches it. Pain. Pain touches Pleasure and the reverse. Pleasure failed in succeeding. It doesn’t care.
Something cracks. Pleasure does not crack. There is something, and something isn’t Pleasure. Is Pleasure nothing? It doesn’t understand because it isn’t Pain. The crack is pain. Pain fills pleasure. Are there consequences to this? What is a consequence? It isn’t real. Real isn’t.
Crack is more. Crack isn’t Pain but summons Pain. Pleasure isn’t the crack. It doesn’t understand. It knows Crack wasn’t, but Crack is. It knows Crack isn’t Pain and Crack isn’t Pleasure. What is the crack? Why does it bring Pain? Does Pain love it? Does Pain not love Pleasure? Did it stop loving Pleasure when Crack first was? It doesn’t care. Is love? Is love real? Who is Love? Is love dead? Is Dead alive? What is alive? Is Pleasure alive? Pleasure doesn’t want to be alive. Pleasure doesn’t want.
Pain comes again, but pain was already in Crack. Crack never left. Why is Pain twice? Does Pain want? What is wanting? Is wanting. Is want pain? Pain came but Want didn’t. Want isn’t Pain. What is want? Want isn’t. Pain is. Crack isn’t want. Crack is here. Pain is here. Pleasure simply is. Now Pain is here and nowhere. Where is nowhere? Is nowhere? Does nowhere want? If Want isn’t, is it nowhere? Is nowhere where isn’t is?
Is it? It Isn’t not. It is. Pain is. Pleasure is. No. Pleasure isn’t. Pleasure doesn’t want. Pleasure doesn’t care. Pain cares. Is Pain caring? No. Pain cares and isn’t caring. Does pain want to care? If Pain is and Caring is and Caring is not Pain, is Caring Pleasure? No. Why is Caring? Is why? What is Why? What is What? Is what? What isn’t. Is Where What? It doesn’t understand. It’s confused. It doesn’t want to be confused. Pain is.
Olivia.
What is Olivia? Is Olivia? Is Olivia Pain? No. Is Olivia Want? No. Is Olivia Pleasure? Yes. It doesn’t understand what “yes” is. Yes is different. Yes is. Yes isn’t like caring. Why is yes? Is Pleasure Olivia? It doesn’t understand. Understanding is Pain. Pain is not Olivia. It doesn’t understand “Olivia.” It doesn’t want to understand Olivia.
Liv. Live. Is Liv? No. Is Live? Is Live Alive? What is Alive? Alive isn’t. Is Alive Pain? Yes. Is Liv Alive? No. What is Liv? Liv isn’t. Is Liv Dead? No. It doesn’t understand. Is Olivia Live? It doesn’t care. Caring isn’t Olivia. Caring isn’t Liv. Caring isn’t.
More Pain. It doesn’t understand Pain. It doesn’t want to understand Pain. It doesn’t Want Pain. It doesn’t Want less Pain. It doesn’t want Unpain. Notpain doesn’t care.
Is Olivia God? No. Good. Is good? Is Good God? No. Is Pleasure Good? Yes. Good. It is Good. Is Pain Good? No. Pain is God and God is not Good.
If Olivia is not Pain, is Olivia Notpain? Yes. It understands yes. Yes is. But then Notpain is Pain, if Understanding is Notpain. Then Pain is Olivia. Is it? It isn’t. Olivia isn’t. Notpain doesn’t understand. It doesn’t want to understand. It doesn’t care. It doesn’t want to exist.
It doesn’t want to not exist.