Now or Never

I awake to someone moving me around. They're obviously trying to be as gentle as they can in order to not wake me, but that is nearly impossible seeing how they must roll me onto my back and that move lands me on a cold spot on the bed. Groggily I swat at the hands and all movement from the other stops.'

Curious, and a bit annoyed now, I open my eyes a tiny sliver against the early morning light, only to open them wide when they drink in the figure of a very guilty looking Kellen.

I jolt up in bed, wide-eyed and mouth agape and he looks, if it's possible, even more guilty.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, “I didn't mean to wake you, but uh... nature calls.”

I continue staring at him, my breaths coming in shallow pants and he wilts under my gaze.

“Er... Um, I'm just gonna go outside for a bit.”

He waits for a response from me and when he only gets more blank staring he awkwardly looks away and struggles to stand.

That gets a response.

He's still naked as the day he was born and in light of my revelation last night, the view makes me more than a little flustered. I 'eep' loudly and hide my face behind my hands, but seconds later I'm taken by the absolutely overwhelming urge to peek.

I look through my crisscrossed fingers and I can see his hands desperately trying to cover his groin area, but I've already had a glimpse at it last night and besides that, mortified by my reaction as he is, his fidgety hands do very little. Then he turns and I'm given a new view.

His back is tight with muscle, my view only hindered by the bandages, and his shoulders swept gently in a oddly attractive way by his long hair. Two smooth globes of flesh, a tiny shade lighter than his tanned limbs, are taunt with constricted muscle and my heart jumps a bit. He sort of bounces from one foot to another before darting off to the side with a slight exclamation. A tiny smile reaches my mouth and he bends to swiftly snatch up a robe, green as everything else he owns. He pulls the robe tight about himself, unaware apparently of how the robe clings to his body in such a way as to 'reveal' it nearly as well as if he were still naked.

With a nervous glance back at me, he leaves the tent and I allow my hands to fall and my smile to become a grin.

So I was right and he's just fine.

I fall back to the covers with a laugh and the day seems somehow brighter already.

The war is over, Kellen is alive and apparently in good health, and I love him. What could possibly make this any better?

....

The smile slides off my face as the answer comes to me nearly immediately.

Kellen loving me back.

I bite my lip and that thought brings on a whole new swarm of questions, none of them very pleasant.

What if Kellen doesn't want to love me? What if Kellen isn't interested in males period? What if he thinks I'm disgusting for feeling this way? Dear Light, what if he starts to hate me when he finds out? I don't think I could live with that!

My breath is coming in panicked gasps now and I can feel a cold sweat form on my brow. I don't realize that Kellen has reentered the room until he's crouched beside me, shaking my shoulder, telling me to 'snap out of it'.

I react badly, lashing out and shoving him away with all my might. He isn't expecting my sudden violence and falls back from the blow to his chest, letting out a hiss of pain and clutching his side.

I immediately feel horrible and sit up hurriedly, apologizing wildly and helping him off his back. He looks at me worriedly and whispers my name softly.

“Cilarnen? What's wrong? You were so upset when I came in, I thought you were having some sort of attack,” he says, hesitantly touching the hand that I left on his arm. I jerk it away as if burned, and he looks almost hurt.

“Nothing,” I say unconvincingly, “Nothing is wrong. I was just thinking is all.” I stumble over my words and internally I wish I could smack myself in the face for sounding so nervous.

He doesn't look convinced and continues to look into my eyes searchingly. In the end, he just frowns and nods and I can tell that he's just allowing me to keep my dignity for now, not giving up on the matter.

I force a wide smile and stand up. His eyes follow mine up.

“I'm gonna get out your hair now so you can get dressed. I'll see you later.”

I wave in such a forced cheerily way that I want to puke and before he can get a word in edgewise, I'm gone.

I run as fast as I can through the camp, only slowing down when I've reached my own tent in the centaur camp. I roughly shove the flap aside and the moment that I've entered and sat on one of my trunks in the corner, I let my tears out.

Why did I have to realize that I love him now? The army will surely be disbanded now that the enemy has been destroyed and Kellen and I will almost certainly be forced to go our separate ways. And besides that, Kellen loves Vestakia and the only reason that he hasn't acted on it yet is because of his oath to Shalkan.

Suddenly, the world seems somehow much more bleak.