Wish I Could Love You Out Loud

Warnings: Torture, heavy angst, mentions of rape. May offend some religious types. (Yeah, I know, so would the last two chapters. :P) This chapter was difficult to write, and some may find it difficult to read.


Aubrey wanted to die. The next morning, he would be wed to a woman he could never love, to a woman who deserved a loving husband. He couldn't do it. He couldn't turn off his feelings for Henry and give them to Jane. Could he and Henry continue this clandestine affair if Aubrey was married? Should they? What if the Shepherds decided Henry should marry? Aubrey sighed and sat on an overturned dying vat, burying his head in his hands. It was afternoon. He could distantly hear the peeling of the church bells. Once, then twice. He really should be on his way to the church for the rehearsal, but he couldn't force himself to leave the dark, musty storage room for the bright, spring day that contradicted his mood. His parents would be about town purchasing things for the rehearsal dinner. They would expect him to meet them at the church with Jane and Farmer William for the rehearsal. Whoever she picked as her maid of honor would be there. So would Henry. It was Henry's idea. To keep up appearances, he said it would be a good idea if he were best man.

He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. "There you are." Henry said gently. "We have a rehearsal to go to."

"I don't want to do this, Henry." said Aubrey. "I don't know how you can stand it."

"That's just it. I can't." Henry stroked Aubrey's cheek. "I'd be lying to you if I said I was comfortable with standing by your side while you vowed yourself to someone else."

"Should-should I get Andrew to replace you?"

"Aubrey...." Henry pulled him close for a fierce kiss. Aubrey clung to him. Henry squeezed Aubrey tightly to his body, plundering the other boy's mouth with his tongue, trying to memorize the taste of him. Aubrey's hands were squeezing him hard enough to bruise. "Oh, Aubrey, I thought I could live with this." Henry gasped between desperate kisses. "But I don't know if I can! I love you Aubrey, I love you so much!" He kissed him breathlessly.

"Oh, Henry, love me! Love me!" Aubrey pleaded, kissing him hard. He needed this, needed Henry. He had been in misery since he had been betrothed to Jane. Henry had once propositioned him in that time, hoping to cheer him up, but Aubrey couldn't work up enough excitement to perform. He had no problem with that now. He was now rock hard, needy and desperate. He pressed himself to Henry's leg, letting him feel the heat of his desire, and feeling his too.

Both pairs of hands tore at clothes. Aubrey ran his hands up and down Henry's back, squeezing and scratching. Henry latched onto Aubrey's neck and bit, leaving a bruise. They were usually so careful about not marking each other, but they were too far gone to care. They both felt a desperate need to possess each other. Their usual lovemaking was slow and tender, but now, it was hard, fast and grasping. Henry turned Aubrey around and bent him over the vat as their trousers pooled about their ankles. Henry rubbed his member between Aubrey's buttocks. "Oh, God, take me, Henry!" Aubrey sobbed.

"I don't want to hurt you, Aubrey."

"I don't care! I want to feel you in me, Henry! Please, take me, please!"

Unbeknownst to them, Aubrey's brother Andrew had gathered some men together. Two of them were Roger and Edward, childhood chums of Aubrey's. Three of them were William the Younger, Miles and Simon, brothers to Jane. They were at Aubrey's home. "He should be here somewhere." said Andrew. "Our parents say he didn't show up for rehearsal."

"You don't suppose it's a case of cold feet?" asked Roger.

"It better not be!" said Simon. "He agreed to marry our sister and by God he will!"

"Well, I think sixteen is too young to marry." Roger countered. "He hasn't experienced enough of life to settle down. A man needs to sow his oats."

"We should give him a proper send off." said Edward. "Take him out to the Blue Boar for a night of wine and wenches."

"Wine and wenches!" Miles said enthusiastically, holding aloft a wine skin.

"You've had enough wine, you drunken git!" said William the Younger, taking away the wine skin. "Do promise me you'll behave yourself at our sister's wedding, Miles."

"Oh, Willy," Miles said, putting an arm around his brother. "I just want to have a bit of fun, is all. Something to say 'Welcome to the family, Osprey!'"

"His name is Aubrey, you bloody sot!" said Andrew. "An osprey is a sort of bird."

"Well, you have to admit," said Simon. "He is being flighty. Taking off and hiding somewhere the eve before he's to marry our sister."

"Now, I've known Aubrey since we were children." said Roger. "He's not one to break promises."

"Have you seen Henry anywhere, Roger?" asked Edward. "Seems a shame to have a booze up for the groom without the best man."

"No, Edward, I haven't seen him today." said Roger.

"I really am afraid he's getting cold feet." said Andrew. "He's been morose and mopey since the engagement."

"Why should he be?" demanded William the Younger. "He should be in ecstasies that he's marrying our sister!"

"Like I said," said Roger. "He's just too young for this."

"For the past fortnight," said Simon. "The three of us have been building a cottage. And damn if someone isn't going to live in it!"

"He may be in the storage room." said Andrew. "If he's not in his bedroom, then he's probably gone there to sulk."

"Well, we'll cheer him up, won't we?" said Miles. "Come out; come out, wherever you are, Auburn!"

"Aubrey!" Andrew corrected him. "Auburn is a hair color. And the storage room is this way!"

"I don't know if Aubrey will fancy a night of wine and wenches." Roger admitted as they followed Andrew. "He always struck me as the demure type."

"My wife's the demure type." said Miles. "Demure she talks, demure I drink!"

Andrew chuckled dryly at Miles' witticism and opened the door to an image that was indelibly forced upon his memory. His younger brother was naked, bent over a dye vat while Henry Shepherd took pleasure on him.

"What in the bloody Hell!" screamed Simon. It was then that Henry and Aubrey knew that life as they knew it was coming to an end. Both froze in shock. Andrew gaped, and finally found words.

"What do you think you're doing to my brother!" Andrew screamed.

"Castrate the pair of them!" yelled Miles, drawing a knife. Had Roger and Edward not held him back, he may have done that. Andrew pulled off his tunic as he approached his brother, pulled him away from Henry and half-way dressed him. It was then that Henry realized that his life was forfeit, but there was yet a way to save Aubrey's life.

"I forced him." said Henry. "He didn't want to do it, but I've lusted for him so long, I couldn't control myself." Dead silence. "I'm sorry, Aubrey." Henry met teary green eyes. "I shouldn't have brutalized you so. I hope one day you will forgive me."

"You won't be around to be forgiven!" said William the Younger.

"Is this true, Aubrey?" Andrew forced his brother to look at him. "Did- did Henry rape you?" Aubrey's only reaction was to give way to tears. No. Things were even worse than they had been before. God, why did this have to be happening? Why couldn't the party have waited just five minutes before coming through that door? Andrew embraced his brother and patted his back. "There, there, little brother." Andrew said soothingly. "I'm here. That brute won't hurt you anymore."

"That brute won't hurt anyone ever again!" Simon said as Jane's brothers closed in on him.

"Let's beat him to death!" said William the Younger.

"Castrate him!" screamed Miles.

"Now, let's wait just a minute!" said Roger, grabbing Miles' hand. "We don't need to be barbaric about this."

"You saw what he was doing to my brother!" Andrew said, comforting a weeping Aubrey.

"Yes," said Roger. "But- but...." Roger tried to wrap his mind around what he just saw. "This is Henry Shepherd! He's never done wrong before."

"I'm just as shocked as you, Roger." said Edward. "Henry, tell the truth now. You and Aubrey have been the best of friends since you were babes. You didn't really force yourself on him, did you?"

"Yes, Edward, I did." said Henry.

"Sodomite!" screamed Simon, slapping Henry across the face.

"Raping a man on the eve of his wedding!" Miles said indignantly. "Hanging's too good for you!"

"Let's take him to the Sheriff." said William the Younger. "There's no need to slip down to his level."

"This is a religious crime." argued Roger. "Take him to the Holy Father."

"That soft hearted old fool?" said Andrew. "He'll let the bastard off with a few Hail Maries!"

"We'll get them both, then!" said William the Younger. "Pull your trousers up, varlet. No need to expose yourself to decent Christians out there."

Dully, Henry pulled his trousers back on. No sooner than that, Jane's brothers grabbed him and pushed him out the door. "Well, I'll say this for your brother, Andrew." Simon remarked. "He fought back. This knave has a good set of bruises on his arms and claw marks on his back." Henry looked back at his beloved. Aubrey was wearing only Andrew's tunic and sobbing into his brother's shoulder. Would this be the last he's ever see of him?
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Andrew led his brother back inside the house just as their parents and the Holy Father walked in. "Aubrey, where have you been?" his mother demanded. "We've been waiting a good hour for you to come to rehearsal! Jane and her father are most upset. And why aren't you even dressed?"

"Mother," Andrew put a hand on her shoulder and looked at his father. "Father, I have some distressing news. Aubrey was just raped."

The mother gasped in horror. The Holy Father crossed himself. "Who did it?" growled Master Dyer. "Andrew, give me the name of Aubrey's rapist so that we may disembowel the villain!"

"It was Henry Shepherd." said Aubrey.

"No, not Henry Shepherd!" gasped Mistress Weaver. "He always seemed like such a nice boy."

"That wolf in sheep's clothing won't live another day!" Master Dyer declared.

"Jane's brothers saw it too." said Andrew. "As did Edward Smithy and Roger Peter's Son. They've taken him to the Sheriff."

"This is an ecclesiastic matter!" argued the Holy Father. "I should be his judge."

"I should be his executioner!" argued Master Dyer.

"The three of you go away!" said Mistress Weaver, shooing the men out the door. "Aubrey needs some time alone." The three left. Aubrey stood alone in the middle of the room, clutching at the tunic he had been hastily wrapped in, tears still marking his cheeks. "There, there, it's alright." Mistress Weaver embraced him. "Mummy's here now, darling." She stroked his long red hair. "Mummy won't let anyone hurt her baby ever again. You'd probably like a nice hot bath about now." She led him to the divan. "Just lie here while Mummy heats up some water for you."

Aubrey lay numbly. Tears began anew as he thought about Henry. He knew why he lied about raping him. It was the only way to save Aubrey from the same fate that awaited him. Had Aubrey came forward with the truth, both of them would be executed. Aubrey had started crying because he realized that his beloved's life was forfeit. His tears were mistaken as tears of hurt and shame. Aubrey wished he had told them the truth. Life without Henry wasn't a life worth living.

Henry, for his part, was still stripped to the waist, his hands bound behind his back by Jane's brothers who were now pushing him through the streets of Nottingham to the Sheriff's house. After the brothers announced Henry's crime, Roger and Edward had to hold the townspeople back. Henry walked stoically, not reacting to cries of "Kill the sodomite!" and peltings of stones and garbage.

"Henry!" his mother shrieked, running up to him. Henry squeezed his eyes shut. He should have remembered, his family had been invited to the rehearsal dinner. "Henry, tell me you didn't! They say you raped Aubrey. But I know you wouldn't! You'd never! Henry, please!" Henry silently looked away from her. "Henry!"

"Leave him be, Vivian." said Master Shepherd, pulling her back. "He is no son of ours!" He punctuated this by spitting at Henry's feet. Henry looked at his retreating family. Edith, his fourteen year old sister who was once so carefree as to pretend to be a unicorn, clutched their baby sister Catherine to her chest as tears fell down her cheeks. His twelve year old brother, Gregory, called out Henry's name, demanding his big brother be released. Master Shepherd clapped his hands on the lad's shoulders and pulled him away. "Never speak his name again!" his father ordered. Henry let a tear fall for the beloved family he had dishonored and would likely never see again. Edith grimly gathered up the other children and led them home. She would now be the third parent and Gregory would be the new heir.

They reached the Sheriff's house, where Jane's brother's pounded on the door. "What is it?" the Sheriff demanded.

"This man's a sodomite who raped our sister's betrothed!" said William the Younger.

"We demand justice!" said Simon.

"Castration!" yelled Miles.

"This is a matter for the Church to decide!" the Holy Father had shown up and was running to Henry's side.

The Sheriff pursed his lips to keep from smiling. He had to look as grim as possible. He had never been very popular with the people of Nottingham, but here was a chance to win their favor. All he had to do was execute a criminal in as bloody and horrid way as possible. "Holy Father," said the Sheriff. "While I concede that sodomy is an abomination in the eyes of the Lord, the crime of rape is against the laws of Man. Thus, he falls under my power."

"Is there anyone who saw the crime?" asked the Holy Father.

"I did!" said Andrew.

"Who are you?" asked the Sheriff.

"I am Andrew Dyer. I had planned a party for my brother Aubrey to celebrate his upcoming wedding. We all came into the storage room looking for him. To think, we had thought of asking this varlet to join us! We walked into the storage room and saw Henry Shepherd holding my brother Aubrey down, bending him over one of the dying vats." Andrew shook with anger. "They were both naked, trousers about their ankles. And Henry was- he was...." Andrew had to force himself to say it. "He was thrusting himself into Aubrey's buttocks." The scandalized listeners gasped. "Aubrey was crying out, but still he continued to use him, not knowing we were there until Simon called out. You can see how my brother tried to defend his honor." Andrew pointed out bruises and scratches on Henry's person. "The villain even confessed to his crime!"

"Where is your brother now?" asked the Holy Father.

"Our mother is tending to him." said Andrew. "After the horror he's been subjected to, I don't think it would be right to bring him out here for questioning."

"Is this Simon here?" asked the Holy Father.

"I am." said Simon. "I am Simon, third son of William the Farmer. Everything was just as Andrew said. I was so appalled at what I saw that I'm afraid I swore a bit. That got their attention. My next to oldest brother, Miles wanted to kill them both right there, but Edward and Roger stopped him. It was then that Henry Shepherd confessed to his crime. He said that he forced himself on a protesting Aubrey. Andrew asked him if this was so, and the poor fellow burst into tears."

"Yet he said neither yay nor nay?" asked the Holy Father.

"He had been used and humiliated in the basest way possible!" said Simon. "The shock of it all could cause him to go hysterically mute. My oldest brother, Willy wanted to beat him to death. Miles was calling for castration and I would've stood by and let them do as they would. Roger called for reason. I confess, I wasn't much for reason at that point and gave the sodomite a good slap across the face when he once again boasted of his crime to Edward. It was Willy's idea to bring this to the Sheriff. Roger wanted to bring it to the holy father. As for me, I care not. So long as this villain pays for his crime."

"Is this Edward here?" asked the Sheriff.

"That would be me, sir." he said. "I am Edward, son of Edmund the Smith. I have been a good friend to both Henry Shepherd and Aubrey the Dyer's Son since we were children. Henry was always a kind, gentle lad. His younger brothers and sisters look to him as a third parent. All of you know Henry as a decent man who would never harm anyone!"

"We have witnesses who say they saw him in the act." said the Sheriff. "And that even you saw it yourself and that Henry Shepherd boasted of his wrong doing to you."

"I wouldn't say he boasted." said Edward. "He seemed very apologetic."

"Apologies don't take back what he did to Aubrey!" Andrew protested.

"You had your turn, Andrew." said the Holy Father. "Is this Roger here?"

"That would be me." said Roger. "I am Roger, son of Peter the Thatcher. As Andrew said, we were seeking out Aubrey to celebrate his marriage. I thought the marriage was a bit of a mistake. Aubrey's my age, far too young to settle down. His brother even admitted he had been morose since his betrothal. Like Edward, I know both Aubrey and Henry well, and I've always known Aubrey as the quiet sort. Rather shy. Doesn't speak much of his troubles. Well, as has been said, we walked in to see Aubrey bent over a vat and Henry, well, making use of him." Roger shook his head. "I thought I knew Henry better than that. I thought Aubrey was his closest friend. I don't understand at all. I do understand that killing Henry won't erase his crime. It was me and Edward who convinced William the Younger to have him judged rather than murdered where he stood."

"Is William the Younger here?" asked the Sheriff.

"That would be me." he said. "I am William, the oldest son of William the Farmer. I had met Aubrey a few times and he seemed a fit husband for my sister Jane, so my brothers and I had a cottage built for them. We were all set to have a bit of revelry to welcome Aubrey to our family when we saw that sad excuse for a man," here, he pointed at Henry. "brutalizing poor little Aubrey! I wanted to kill him right away, but realized I would only be sinking to his level. So, I brought him here before you, Sheriff. And I trust you will do your duty and bring him to justice."

"It's the Holy Father's duty to decide!" Roger protested.

"You had your turn!" said the Sheriff.

"What of my turn?" asked Miles.

"Miles, have you been drinking?" asked the Holy Father.

"Only a bittle lit."

"Let us let the accused speak for himself." said the Holy Father. "Henry, did you rape Aubrey?"

"That's what they say." Henry responded.

The Sheriff rubbed his beard in thought. "The Holy Father and I will confer on this." The Sheriff motioned for the priest to follow him inside. It felt like an eternity before they stepped back out. The Holy Father looked sad, but the Sheriff looked triumphant. "Let it be known that Henry Shepherd's punishment for his secular crime of rape will be a public flogging. Thirty-nine lashes, to be carried out forthwith!" Many of the townspeople cheered. "And as for his unpardonable sin of sodomy, Henry Shepherd will be burned at the stake until dead on the morrow. That is our judgment." He turned to the three brothers. "Tie him to the post in town square. I'll fetch the flogger."

Henry's mind tuned out the jeering crowd as the brothers dragged him to the post. He tried reciting the Lord's Prayer in his mind to calm himself, but it brought little comfort as his arms were tied securely about the post, the ropes digging into his flesh. His Earthly father had forsaken him, and now it seemed his Heavenly Father had abandoned him as well. He shuddered as he saw the flogger approach; a burly man, stripped to the waist, masked and carrying a studded leather whip. Henry shut his eyes, bit his lip, and steeled himself for the first lash.

Nothing could have prepared Henry for the lash of burning pain that streaked across his back with a cruel crack. He bit his lip so hard it bled. The Sheriff was counting off the lashes, much to the crowd's amusement. He managed not to cry out in pain until the twelfth lash. He overheard someone say "That was twelve! I'll take my money now!" Ah, yes. He heard people often took bets at these spectacles. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen. Henry shook as pain surged through his being. He could feel blood starting to drip down his back. Twenty-one. Twenty-two. Twenty-three. Henry flushed with shame as tears made their way down his cheeks. The flogger was waiting several seconds between lashes so that Henry couldn't get used to them. Henry clutched the post as he thought about Aubrey. That was his one comfort. Aubrey was safe. Aubrey was spared this pain and degradation. Aubrey would live. Thirty-seven. Thirty-eight. Thirty-nine. It was finished.

The crowd roared as Henry was untied from the post, only to collapse in pain and exhaustion. His back was on fire and his throat was raw from the screams he couldn't swallow. "Please, I'm thirsty." he gasped weakly. A ladle rested at his lips. He looked up to see Edward offering him a drink. He gratefully took it.

"Leave that sodomite be, Edward!" he heard Edward's mother yell. Edward locked eyes with Henry, silently asking him a question. Henry replied by casting his eyes to the ground. As Edward walked away, Henry remembered a little boy who beat a wooden hammer on a large stone, pretending to forge swords for boys who wished to play at being knights.

"Lock him in the jail." said the Sheriff. "And gather some wood. The heretic will burn at dawn!" The crowd cheered as Henry was dragged away. Henry looked up to see Roger weeping. He looked at him and remembered a boy who loved nothing better than climbing trees and challenging other boys to foot races. Roger and Edward were good friends. Henry was sorry to aggrieve them so. Almost as sorry as he was about the outrage this would cause his family. Aubrey came back to mind. He knew Aubrey would mourn him. He had no doubts of the man's love for him. But he would heal. He would live. The worst of it would be that he would be known as a rape victim. Some would hold him with scorn, others with pity, but at least he'd be alive. Perhaps he would even learn to love Jane one day. Aubrey would live an ordinary, normal life that he'd never have with Henry as part of it. All that was left for Henry to do was await his morning execution and hope that God would have mercy on his tainted soul.