The First Cut is the Deepest

***Chapter 3: Torture***



The house looked much the same as I approached it. The furniture was covered, of course, and the personal touches that made it a home had disappeared on the day we left. We Cullens were used to vacating quickly and quietly when we needed to. It had been at my prompting that we had left Forks. Rosalie and Emmett went off on their own for a while and I had done the same. They had since returned to the family; I had not.

I had come to find some comfort in my solitary existence. Not that the pain went away when I was alone, but at least I didn’t have to pretend it wasn’t there. I could experience it, wallow in it when I wanted to, let it wash over me in crippling waves.

That was what I had done since leaving Forks.

I uncovered the couch in my room, now empty of all my music, and simply lay there for two days. I turned off my phone and pondered the future. I hoped the stillness would help me center myself, but it was a vain hope. A part of me kept tabs on my surroundings and every now and then I would hear a wolf howl from somewhere far away. Bella was being watched over, and I tried to find solace in that fact.

The images of her in his arms, however, gave me no peace. She was his, in every sense of the word. I knew that. But I could not accept it, not really. Somewhere deep inside of me, I still raged against his claim, even as I knew I had no right to do so. It was my fault and it could not be fixed.

Finally, on the third day, I blinked and sat up. I was doing Bella no good sulking here. It was time to do what I had come to do and that was to protect Bella. When the threat was finally over, I would find a way to remove myself from temptation, even if that meant removing myself from existence. Perhaps I should have done so long ago.

I had picked up some information from Jacob there in the garage. I knew where he lived with Bella and I also knew that when he was home, he preferred not to have one of his “brothers” running patrol. Their hearing was probably as sensitive as mine, and I could see that he would not want them listening in everything that passed between him and Bella. Besides, he was more than capable of watching over Bella himself.

I slipped into the woods one night, moving quickly and purposefully to where I knew their home was. It was the darkest hour of the night, and a careful sniff revealed no hint of wolf in the woods around me. As I got closer to the house, a small white cabin nestled in the shadows, I caught a hint of Bella’s scent.

And his.

To my surprise, I heard voices murmuring quietly from a room at the back of the house. Their bedroom, if my guess was right. I was not surprised at the pang that shot through me at the thought. The life inside of her had probably been created right there. She would have welcomed him into her embrace, into her body, with the sweet smile I remembered so well.

Thrusting away the thought, I concentrated on their voices, even as I grew disgusted with myself for spying on them in this way. There was no danger from Victoria tonight. I was the only dangerous thing in these woods at the moment.

But still, I could not tear myself away.

I heard her sigh and the rustle of bed sheets. Then there was Jacob’s deep rumble. “Bella,” he chided gently. “You need your rest.” Concern laced his words, and suddenly I wondered just how difficult this pregnancy really was for Bella. Was there something he had not told me? Something he had been very careful not to think while I was around?

I could hear a soft kiss and my hands clenched at my sides.

“It’s fine, Jake,” she assured him. “Even the doctor said we could-”

“But it’s late,” Jacob murmured. Even I could hear the need in his voice, the warring desires to protect her and to take her. “You should be sleeping.”

“I want you. Now,” Bella said. “Please…” Another kiss. “It’s been so long.”

If I could have found the strength I would have run away then, but I found myself locked in place, my limbs unwilling to obey my urgent command. I was held in place by this stolen intimacy.

I heard Jacob sigh and I knew that he was giving up the fight. I could not imagine how he had resisted so long. To think of her pressed against me, her soft, warm body touching mine, the heat of her lips persuading me. .. I knew I would have surrendered too. Who could not? She was temptation personified. My own hunger for her was echoed back at me in Jacob’s thoughts.

The need to take, to claim, had not diminished during my self-imposed exile. It had been no more than a delusion when I imagined that the hunger had faded. Without conscious thought, in a desperate need to connect with Bella, I let the images from Jacob’s mind flood my awareness.

For a moment, I saw what Jacob saw. She was beneath him, her head thrown back on the pale pillow, her hair spread out like dark satin. Her eyes were closed and her mouth was open in a moan as he moved over her. I saw his big, dark hand reach out to caress her face, and let his thumb brush over her lower lip. I saw her take that thumb into her mouth and suckle it. I watched her open her eyes and reach up to welcome me into-

No. She was holding Jacob Black close to her heart. Not me. Never me.

I could stand no more and I pulled out of his mind.

The venom flooded my mouth and every muscle in my body tensed as I fought the twin desires of killing Jacob Black and taking Bella as my own. Some primitive instinct in me roared at his audacity in touching what was MINE.

“Oh God,” I heard her call out softly. “Yes, Jake…”

“Baby,” Jacob whispered. There was complete fulfillment in his voice, and I knew that he was moving inside of her there in that house, in their bed. He was losing himself in the warmth that was Bella. She was his and he had every right to touch her, kiss her, and make a place for himself inside her heart and body. He had the right to thrust into her, claiming her in a way I never had. Never could. Never would.

With a stifled groan, I turned and ran away, knowing that what I had heard – and even worse, imagined – would haunt me forever.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


I was almost home when my phone rang. I had been avoiding any calls while I brooded. I could no longer do so. It was not safe. My earlier actions had been foolish and selfish.

Alice.

“Edward?” Her voice held a note of tension that I did not like.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, already making the turn that would carry me back to Bella’s house.

“Something’s changed,” Alice said quietly. “Not sure what.”

“Is Victoria still coming?”

“Yes, but she’s made a side trip.”

“Where?”

“Seattle.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know!” Alice’s frustration was evident.

“That’s not helping me,” I muttered, now frozen in indecision.

“I’m catching flashes of Bella now,” Alice said. “I don’t know why. And the images I’m seeing don’t make any sense.”

“What are you seeing?” My voice was harsh and clipped. I knew it. But I could not help it.

Alice hesitated. “You haven’t talked to Bella yet, have you?” Her question was an accusation.

“It’s…complicated,” I replied.

“How can you keep her safe if she doesn’t even know you’re there?”

“She’s safe,” I assured Alice. “Safer than we knew.” The bitter anger I felt toward Jacob Black laced my words.

“What are you talking about?”

“The wolves,” I snapped. “Remember when Carlisle explained to you about the wolves the last time we were here?”

“Wolves?” Alice’s voice went up an octave. “Well damn…that might explain it.”

“Explain what?”

“I’m not sure, but I’ve never tried to see the future of anything but humans and vampires,” Alice explained. “What if…what if I can’t see the wolves?”

“Interesting thought.” It complicated things, certainly.

“Is Bella connected with the wolves in some way?”

Ah. The one question I did not want to answer. “Yes,” I answered reluctantly.

“How?” Alice was persistent. I knew this. Usually it was a trait I could appreciate, but not this time.

“Quite connected.”

“Edward,” Alice huffed. “You’re not helping me see.”

“She’s married to one of them,” I hissed.

There was a long moment of silence on the other end. “Oh.”

“Yes, oh.” I sighed. “I’m sorry, Alice. I just…”

“Don’t worry about it, Edward,” Alice soothed, quickly changing the subject. “Listen, just be ready. I see something happening in the rain. A big storm, not the usual stuff. A big mother of a storm. That’s when Victoria is going to make her move.”

“Thanks, Alice,” I breathed. “That’s actually very helpful.”

I heard a trill of laughter. “Glad to be of service.”

I paused. “Bye, Alice, and…thanks.”

“Any time, big brother.”

It was only after we hung up that I realized Alice had never answered my questions about the images she had seen of Bella.