Wish I Could Love You Out Loud

Henry shuddered as he sat in the dark cell. Through the barred window he could see men preparing the stake and firewood. He was cold. He was scared. He was in pain. All Henry could do was wrap his arms around himself and shiver helplessly. *God,* he prayed, *please, let this not be so if it be Your will. If not, then please at least look after Aubrey and see that he doesn't suffer as I have.*

The barred door was unlocked. "The Holy Father has come to see you." said the guard, letting in the old priest, who had a small satchel in his hands. He looked sadly at Henry.

"I convinced the Sheriff to let me dress your wounds." he said. "And to give you shriving and Last Rites. Even the lowest criminal deserves that much."

"Do you really think me a criminal, Father?" asked Henry.

"Henry, did you do what they say you did?" asked the priest. "I can't believe you would. Aubrey's been your best friend since you could walk. And you've always been such a good boy. The worst you've ever confessed to was playing ball on Sunday. Henry, did you rape Aubrey?"

Henry sighed. Why were priests so hard to lie to? "Father, everything I confess to you is in strict confidence, is it not?"

"If this is indeed a formal confession." said the priest. "Then it is a sacred secret between you, me and the Lord our God."

"Then, bless me, Father, for I have sinned." Henry said, crossing himself and taking a seat on the wooden bench. The Holy Father sat with him. "I have partaken pleasures of the flesh. And I have lied. Aubrey and I, we have been lovers for some time. About three months by my reckoning. We told no one, but of course, no one asked. Aubrey was willing. I love him. I'd never hurt him or allow him to be harmed. That's why I lied. I couldn't let him be executed for this."

"And yet, you could allow *yourself* to be not only executed, but flogged as well." the Holy Father pointed out. "Turn around, let me tend to those wounds."

Henry obeyed. He winced as the priest touched a stinging salve to his wounds. "Why do you bother?" asked Henry. "I'll be dead tomorrow. What does it matter if my wounds are infected or not?"

"You needn't spend the entire night in agony."

"I already will, Father."

"Arms up." Henry raised his arms as the Holy Father tied the bandages. "Henry, it is written in Leviticus 'Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it *is* abomination.' However, I see you being led like a lamb to the slaughter, taking all pains to protect Aubrey, and I am reminded of the words of Christ, 'Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.' I confess, Henry, you have me questioning my own beliefs." The priest laughed bitterly. "Who does a priest go to when he needs to confess? Well, this is about you, not me. Have you any other sins to confess?"

"Only that I do not repent loving Aubrey."

"I cannot cleanse a soul that is unrepentant."

"Perhaps giving into my physical lusts for Aubrey was wrong. But, the love I feel for him, Father, it's too close to grace to deny. I regret that I had to lie. I am truly sorry for the disgrace I have caused my family. But I do not begrudge Aubrey his life. Father, my last request is that you see that Aubrey marries Jane a William's and that he lives as long a life as possible."

"Then, with that in mind, I absolve you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit." The Holy Father crossed Henry. He took a sacramental wafer from his satchel. "Taketh thou the body of Christ." Henry crossed his arms and opened his mouth, taking the wafer. "Taketh thou the blood of Christ." The priest opened a wine skin and bade Henry to drink. The Holy Father opened another skin, this one of holy oil and anointed Henry's head, hands and feet as he chanted in Latin. He then gave Henry a rosary. "May the Lord have mercy on your soul." The priest stood to leave, then turned and whispered to Henry. "Tomorrow, I will slip you a poison that will kill you before the flames will. They'll think you fainted in terror. I'm sorry. That's the best I can do for you."

Henry was alone again. He tried to calm himself by saying the rosary while fingering the beads. Aubrey's face kept coming to his mind. What he would give to see him just once more, to hold him, to tell him he loved him. He could almost hear the tender voice of his beloved whisper his name.

"Henry!" It turned out he hadn't been imagining it. Aubrey was just beyond the barred window. "Henry! Come here!"

"Aubrey!" Henry was only stopped by bars and stone from embracing him. "Oh, Aubrey, have-have you heard?"

"Andrew told me." said Aubrey. "He-he told me that-that they whipped you, Henry!"

"Well, I'm not wearing these bandages to keep warm."

"Henry, you spoke too lightly of this when we started, and even now you still think it a joke!"

"Aubrey, listen, I will die happily knowing that you are safe. You've been the best part of my life, Aubrey. I love you. Can you kiss me through these bars?"

"I'll kiss you when we remove them." Aubrey dropped a metal object through the bars. Henry picked it up. It was a file. "Aubrey, what...?"

He took another from his pocket and started filing away at the bars. "You think I could bear to live without you, Henry? Get to work. The two of us together can remove the bars more quickly."

"Where did you get these?"

"I borrowed them from Edmund Smithy."

"Does Edmund know you borrowed them?"

"Just- just get to work, Henry."

"Aubrey, this is madness!" Aubrey only filed harder. "You still have a chance at a normal life! You can marry Jane and just...."

"Be completely miserable." said Aubrey. "Henry, listen to me. If you don't escape with me tonight, then I'll hang myself."

"You're bluffing. You don't know how to tie a noose."

"I'm a weaver. You think I can't figure out a knot? Anyway, a belt will serve just as well. I've even picked out a rafter in the storage room. When Andrew and Father announced that you were to burn, my first thought was to hang myself. Then, I thought, no, there must be another way. This is the only way, Henry."

Henry sighed. He did want to live, deep down. And Aubrey seemed determined to have it his way. He began filing at the bars. "What will we do after this, Aubrey?" he asked. "Where will we go?"

"If we go directly north-east, about thirty leagues, we will come upon the town of Lincoln. It shouldn't be more than three days travel. I've packed provisions. We can leave immediately."

"And when we get to Lincoln?"

"I thought of that. We'll simply tell anyone who asks that we're brothers, recently orphaned. I can get work as a weaver or a dyer. As soon as your wounds heal, I'm sure anyone would hire a strong lad like you. We'll find someplace to live. Maybe build a house together."

"And when we're found out?"

"We won't be. If any good comes from what's happened, it's that we've learned discretion. We'll keep our intimate moments in the privacy of our bedroom. I promise, Henry, I'll never let you be hurt ever again!"

"Don't make such promises, Aubrey. They're too hard to keep."

Before long, two bars were removed from the window. With a little help from Aubrey, Henry was able to squeeze out. He was free. He embraced Aubrey in his joy and kissed him. "We'd better go now." said Aubrey, taking up two bundles.

"We should return the files, Aubrey." said Henry. "Edward Smith's Son was kind to me today. And I've no quarrel with Edmund."

"Very well." Aubrey sighed. "Only because the forge is on the way out."

Aubrey had slipped into the forge through a small window whose purpose was to let out smoke. He was just trim enough to squeeze through. Aubrey returned the files from where he took them and left just as quickly. "We could take a horse." Aubrey suggested. "We'd get to Lincoln faster."

"No." said Henry. "I wouldn't want to take a horse that someone else probably needs. Besides, it will be better if we stay off the main roads for a while and cut through Sherwood."

"It will be difficult. Especially at night."

"No more difficult than what we've already done, Aubrey."

"Let's go then." Aubrey took up the parcels and they jogged off towards Sherwood Forest.

"I could carry one of those." Henry suggested.

"Your back's hurt. I packed light anyway. Come on, I want to make distance."

"Alright, but we're going to rest as soon as you get tired."

Aubrey tried keeping a few steps apace of Henry so he wouldn't think he was tired. After a while, he did start to lag, and they were both stumbling over roots in the dark. "We need to rest, Aubrey." said Henry.

Aubrey was panting. "Alright," he gasped. "We'll rest." They sat together between the roots of a large oak tree. Aubrey opened one of the bundles and took out Henry's shirt and tunic. "I know it may not feel comfortable to wear these just now, but it will keep the bandages from getting dirty. And if we should meet anyone, it wouldn't be good for them to ask too much about your back."

"I could say that I had an accident." Henry said, putting on the clothes. "Perhaps attacked by a mad buck."

"A mad buck, Henry?" He hoped it wasn't too dark for him to see the look on his face.

"Well, no one believes the 'I fell down' excuse."

Aubrey shook his head and opened his pack. "I've brought some bread and cheese and a skin of water. You need to eat to keep your strength up."

"Thank you." Henry took the offered food. "I took communion, but wafers aren't that filling."

"Henry, you make one more flippant comment and I'll...I'll...I'll think of something!"

"You won't do anything to me. You love me too much."

"Perhaps you're right. I do love you, Henry."

"And I love you, Aubrey." In the gloaming, they found each other for a kiss. "I'm so lucky to have you. You realize the risk we're taking?"

"I realize." Aubrey began setting up a pair of bedrolls.

"You can turn back, you know. Your family hasn't disowned you. You could still...."

"Henry, shut up and go to sleep!"

"Only if I can sleep in your arms."

Aubrey's irritation vanished instantly. "I've often wanted to sleep embraced with you, Henry. We never did for fear of being caught."

"Well, that's not exactly a problem now, is it?"

Aubrey laid down on his roll. "Come here." he said. "You'll be more comfortable on your side or maybe your front."

"You make a nice pillow." Henry commented, laying down with his love.

Aubrey kissed the top of Henry's head. "Rest now, love." he said, gently looping his arms around the beloved body.


A/N: The Biblical quotations are from the King James Bible, which was not written until 1611. I regret the anachronism, but I do not have access to the translations of St. Jerome. Even if I did, my Latin is shabby at best. It likely included words to that effect. It may interest the reader to know that an Anglo-Saxon translation of the Bible was written in A.D. 995 and the Anglo-Norman translation in 1066. The books were divided into chapters in 1227 by then Archbishop of Canterbury, Stephen Langton. They were further divided into verses in 1551 by Robert Stephanus. My source for this information is *The Everything Bible Book* by Rev. John Trigilo Jr. PhD, ThD and Rev. Kenneth Brigheti PhD. It's a refreshing read from two church leaders who do not believe that a leather bound KJV Bible descended from Heaven in a shaft of white light after the assumption of Christ.
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He was burning. The flames were leaping at him. The thick smoke was choking him. He tried to run from the flames, only to find he was surrounded by them. He heard dark, cruel laughter. He turned to see a black devil armed with a pitchfork. He tried to run but was halted by a scorching wall of fire. He screamed as the prongs of the pitchfork lanced his back. *I don't deserve this! Stop it! Make it stop!* Another demon was coming for him. He wouldn't meekly take this. He would fight. He struck at the demon. He actually got in a few good blows before it grabbed his wrists, picked him up and shook him violently. It shouted out his name as it did so.

"Henry! Henry! Wake up! You're having a nightmare!" Henry blinked. A nightmare. That's all it had been. Aubrey was here now. His wrists were now being clutched in Aubrey's hands. A thought came to Henry that made him sick.

"I struck you, didn't I?"

"You were having a bad dream. You didn't know what you were doing. It wasn't even that hard. All you did was wake me up." Aubrey held him close. "It won't be daylight for a good hour or more. Just rest and forget about it." He lay back down with Henry's head on his chest. He stroked dark blond hair until they were both asleep again.

Henry woke up to find himself lying on his front on the pallet. He reached out, searching for Aubrey. "I'm here." he heard Aubrey say. He blinked in the early morning sun and sat up, wincing at his still tender back. He saw Aubrey kneeling and stirring something over a small campfire. "I brought some willow bark to make tea." he said. "I thought you'd be a bit sore. I could use some myself."

"What do you need willow tea for?"

Aubrey flushed. "Let's not do it dry ever again. I won't be able to sit properly for a while."
In spite of everything, Henry found himself laughing. Aubrey let loose a few chuckles. They both took great joy in the simple fact that they were alive and together. Henry should be burning right now. Aubrey should be hanging himself right now. Yet, they beat the odds. Aubrey filled a pair of cups and handed one to Henry along with a piece of bread. "Here. Best not to take willow on an empty stomach."

Henry ate some bread and took a sip of the bitter tea, wincing. "You didn't bring any honey by any chance, did you?"

"I wanted to travel light." Aubrey gulped his tea. Henry noted that he was still kneeling, not properly sitting. Aubrey winced at the bitter tea and munched on a bite of bread. "Otherwise, I would've brought some butter to put on the bread."

"Butter would've gone bad anyway." Henry sighed. "I guess I'm just thinking of the family I lost. From the time I was very little, Mum always gave me a spoon of honey if I had to take medicine." He looked into his cup of tea, as bitter as his feelings. "She refused to believe I had done anything wrong. I'll miss her. And Edith, and Gregory and Thomas and Isabel and Albert and even little Catherine. It's rather strange not to wake up to Galahad licking my face. I'll even miss the sheep."

"You forgot someone." said Aubrey, taking another gulp of tea.

"He's already forgotten me, Aubrey." Henry finished the rest of the tea in a swallow. "So I've forgotten him."

"I'll miss my family too." said Aubrey. "I'll miss Anna constantly asking me questions. Do you know that the other day she asked me why women couldn't be priests? As if I'd know. Andrew was so kind to me. He was so understanding when he learned that you were going to be my best man. Well, that point is moot now. At least Jane is free to find a man who can love her." He finished his tea and tried to banish the bitter taste with dry bread. "I'll even miss Phillipa's nagging. Pity I'll never see my nephew, or niece, whichever."

"You can go back, Aubrey."

Aubrey shook his head. "Wherever you go, so shall I go. I will live where you live and die where you die. Henry, you are my family now."

Henry tried his best to sniff back a few tears. "We-uh-we should get going. Cover what ground we can."

Aubrey kicked out the fire. "I brought some dried meat we can save for later. Or, maybe you can hunt something. I brought a couple arrows and some bowstring. All we need is some wood to make the bow. If you feel up to hunting, that is. You-you know a bow is useless in my hands, but I can cook some."

Henry packed up the bedrolls. "I'm a little better. Your willow tea helped some. I'll see how I feel later today." The two prepared to leave. "You do realize, of course, that hunting in Sherwood Forest is punishable by death."

"What isn't?" laughed Aubrey. "Hung for a sheep as for a lamb, I suppose."

"Talk of sheep will make me homesick, Aubrey."

"I'll mention them no more then." Aubrey took up the bags.

"I still think I should carry one."

"I'm stronger than I look, Harry. You know that." They began walking together.

"You called me Harry. That means your mood has lightened."

"I suppose it has." They chatted as they walked. "You know, I heard that the Earl of Doncaster was caught dallying with a manservant and all they did was make him go on a pilgrimage to the Holy Land."

"Well, he's the Earl of Doncaster, isn't he?" said Henry. "What do you think became of the poor manservant? "

"I don't know what became of him. Likely he was executed, unless the Earl convinced the priests that he needed a traveling companion."

"That's the way of the world, Aubrey. The rich and the powerful get just what they want while poor wretches like us get squat."

"It isn't right."

"No, Aubrey, it isn't."

"I've heard Jerusalem is dangerous country to travel in. Maybe the Earl was robbed by some scimitar wielding bandit. Or he could've been attacked by a vicious camel."

"What's a camel?"

"An animal I've heard they have over there. I believe they're about ten feet tall with sharp teeth and claws. Never seen one of course."

"Let's hope you never do!"

About midday, they had covered enough ground to make them feel like they earned a rest. "I brought medicine and extra bandages." said Aubrey. "I can put some on your back."

"Very well." Henry sat on a large root and took off his tunic and undershirt.

"Lift up your arms a bit." Aubrey undid the priest's dressing less then halfway, before he lurched rapidly to his feet and ran behind a tree where he became violently sick.

"Try not to do that." said Henry. "We have to save what food we have and it won't do you any good to throw it back up."

"There you go again!" Aubrey wiped his mouth and took a swig from the water skin. "Not taking things seriously enough, making silly, flippant remarks!"

"Yes, I believe you said you'd do something if I did that again." Henry said with a smile. "Would you care to spank me?"

"Oh, be quiet." Aubrey bit his lip and tended his lover's wounds. Henry used to have a beautiful, smooth, well muscled back that Aubrey loved to run his hands over. Now, it was criss-crossed with angry, red welts. Finally, he bandaged them up and gave Henry his clothes back. "I think I smell some berry bushes about. I'll pick some. You rest."

"Yes, Mum."

Aubrey took one of the cups he packed and followed the source of the heavy, fruity smell that indicated berry bushes. After walking several paces, he found a raspberry bush. He knelt and went about harvesting the red-purple berries. "There's a fee for picking berries in Sherwood." Aubrey jumped at the sudden sound of the growling voice. He turned to see a sword tip at his throat. The sword was being held by a tall man in a red jacket. A small man in green had an arrow aimed at Aubrey.

"I-I don't have any money, sir." Aubrey said, trying not to tremble in fear.

"No money?" the red jacketed man smiled. "Well, you'll just have to pay another way." Aubrey blanched and for a moment he was afraid he'd be sick again. He tried to scream for Henry, but found his throat too clogged with fear to make a sound.

The small man lowered his arrow. "Leave him be, Will." he said. "We've scared him enough."

Will lowered the tip of his sword a bit. "Still has to pay his fee, Midge. I say we get half the berries he picks. Doesn't that sound fair to you, my good fellow?"

"Y-yes sir, very fair." Aubrey went to work picking as many berries as he could, as fast as he could, just relieved that these men had decided not to harm him.

"The ripe, juicy ones." said Will. "Not those little, under ripe ones. Too tart for my taste."

"Yes sir." Aubrey forced himself to focus and pick only the ripe berries.

When the cup was full, he handed them over to Will. Will poured some of the berries into his hand and some into Midge's hand. He returned the half emptied cup to Aubrey and said "A pleasure doing business with you." The two of them left, munching their raspberries while Aubrey tried hard not to faint.

"You needn't have frightened him so, Will." Midge said as the two walked along, eating the berries. "I think he thought you were going to drag him off and ravish him."

"Midge, you know I only bed with women." He stopped to spit out a bit of seed.

"Come off it! You haven't bedded a woman since Donna Hill joined our ranks."

"Leave off on her." Will walked apace so Midge wouldn't see his blush.

"Will, your feelings for her are the worst kept secret among the Merry Men." Midge jogged to keep up with the taller man. "Alright, we won't talk about her. What about that man we saw picking the raspberries? What do you think of him?"

"I think he's too far from any villages or main roads to be a simple passer-by. He could be a bounty hunter for all we know."

"With no weapons? Did you see how big his eyes got when he saw your sword? He's no more a bounty hunter than I am King of England." Midge tossed a berry up in the air and caught it in his mouth.

"We must be on our guard, Midge. He may be one of the Sheriff's spies. Or a thief who isn't quite as conscientious as we are. I say we keep an eye on him. Maybe give Robin a head's up."

"Alright." said Midge, picking a seed out of his teeth. "C'mon, I want to find a nice fat quail for dinner."

"Robin sent us out for deer."

"I'm tired of deer. I want quail."

"You'll clean it and roast it yourself."

"Then I'll eat it myself."

"Alone?"

"No. I'll stuff it with mushrooms." The two men laughed and walked off into the forest.