Baser Urges

Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. I have to do this a lot when I’m with Edward. Oh, screw it! I leap up from the bed, cross my arms over my chest and look down at him. “WHAT THE FUCK TO YOU MEAN, YOU?!

“Calm down, Anita.”

“DO NOT TELL ME TO CALM DOWN. I AM PERFECTLY CALM. YOU MUST HAVE GONE CRAZY.”

Ok, so maybe I’m not so calm. But, damn it, I deserve to scream. I mean, he and I don’t even think of each other that way. We established that in Santa Fe with the whole soul- mate speech that Edward gave. I try not to think about it but the problem is, the more I tried not to think about it, the more often it popped up in my mind. Too creepy. I’m so lost in thought that I don’t even notice Edward jumping up and pinning me against the wall. Shit! Even more shocking is my body’s response to his nearness. Not the ardeur. Mine. Edward and I are just friends. Right? If so, why am I responding the way I am? I haven’t the faintest idea. You would think that with Olaf after me, it would curb my body’s natural response. Natural? That sounds weird considering it’s to Edward.

“Anita? Are you with me?”

I realize then that I’ve been way too quiet, especially after what he just did. But I can’t seem to form the words to complain and what am I supposed to say? Thanks?

“Yeah, I’m with you Edward.”

I’m not happy but I’m with him. I try to scowl at him but I can’t seem to get rid of the expression of shock that I know is plastered on my face.

“Now, will you stop pouting so we can discuss this like adults? You need to feed and it would be a big mistake to add anyone to our party. The only viable option, unless you’ve changed and would be willing to screw a stranger, is me. And I think that I know the answer to that since you refused to have sex with Bernardo. If you had, maybe you wouldn’t have gotten yourself into this mess.”

Finding my tongue, “If we are going to discuss this like adults, we need to leave off ‘getting myself into this mess’. I still don’t do strangers and I think it might be rather uncomfortable for us to suddenly start a relationship. I mean, shouldn’t we at least try a date first?”

Ok, so I fall back on my bad jokes when I’m uncomfortable and anger is getting me nowhere I want to go.

“This is not a relationship. It’s sex. Sex that wouldn’t even have to happen if you hadn’t gotten yourself into this mess.”

Damn the man! The worst thing about it is that I sort of agree with him. I got myself into this mess and have been trying to get out of it for a while now. I have been able to unwind from part of it. I mean, no pard, no Micah, no Richard and no more emergency feedings from Jason. I think that I’ve been doing pretty damn well and screw him for bringing it up constantly. Besides, who cares what he thinks, anyway. You can’t make everyone happy, obviously.

“I don’t think that sex should be just a part of the job. That isn’t any better than sex with a stranger other than the fact that I know who you are. Besides, I know you don’t love Donna but I know you care about her kids. Don’t you care that you’d be cheating on them?”

“After you left Santa Fe, I took a lot of time to think about what you said about the situation with Donna and the kids. I decided that you were right. I didn’t want to hurt them anymore than they already had been. It was easier to make a clean break of it now than later.”

Finally, a subject that does not revolve around me.

“How did you end it?”

“I told her that you and I had a wild night before you left and I realized that I wanted to be with you.”

“Bastard!”

I can’t seem to get too worked up about this though with his body pressed against mine.

“It was the most humane way for me to end things with her. Anything else would have caused her more pain.”

Yeah, right. And pigs are green and fly backwards.

“Humane? What a load of shit! You didn’t need to use me to end it. So, why did you?” I pause for a moment. “Really?”

I ask before he can start to make something up. I won’t put up with him lying to me, particularly after I’ve had to spill my guts about my sex life. Eye to eye, I struggle to keep my heart rate down and my breathing normal. I so don’t need him to know how he’s affecting me. I start to take a deep breath to prepare myself for his answer and realize that it is so the wrong thing to do considering how close we already are. I feel my breast brush his chest and hear a sharp intake of breath. I know it’s not me.

“Edward?”

He pulls slightly back and looks away from my eyes. But he does not let me go. This is not like him. Can we have that draw down now please? Anything that is more normal.

“Are you going to answer me?”

He opens his mouth as if to speak and instead pulls me into a bruising kiss.