Still Frame

It’s been 6 months since I’ve seen or heard from Edward. I’ll admit that it was pretty stupid of me to fall for him. I should know better than anyone that leopards can’t change their spots. Slapping my forehead, I groan aloud at that thought. Has there ever been a worse pun? Anyway, after Dad got to the hospital and Josh was taken care of, Edward left and I went home to resume my version of ‘normal’ life.

After about a month of my completely unintentional moping, Jean-Claude, Asher and I split by mutual decision. No more steamy dreams, or dripping with sex voices that I don’t think I could have dealt with after everything I went through with Edward. Because of the ardeur, we are still sleeping together, but we don’t date or say I love you. I will admit that when I’m in the throes of passion I miss the French sweet nothings they used to whisper along my skin. But then I come down from the high and I’m grateful that they don’t make it the production they used to. It’s easier somehow to just walk away after we’re through.

I know I always swore that I wouldn’t do casual sex but things between Jean-Claude, Asher and I will never be described as ‘casual’. The ‘fuck buddy’ situation sickens me sometimes but mostly I’m just glad that it only has to happen once or twice a week. What can I say? I’m a romantic wizard. I’ve finally whittled my guys to no one, three cheers for little ole me. On the up side, business is booming and I am really enjoying fighting with Bert. I think he likes me yanking his chain because I seem to have to threaten him at least once a day so he won’t kill me with appointments.

Not that I’m really complaining, I like being busy. Besides, not that I’ll ever admit it and I’ll deny it with my last breath but, part of the reason I’ve been needing the long hours is to help keep me from thinking about Edward. The rat bastard…sorry Rafael…said he loved me and I know I love him. But then he just walked away. How could he do that!? Alright so I knew it before but he really drove home the fact that he is apparently capable of anything.

Still it’s not right. We were supposed to have a discussion! The decisions were supposed to be what both of us wanted damn it! Fuck it, it doesn’t matter, either way. I’m not moping anymore and I really will shoot anyone who suggests otherwise. I already have. Three times. Some people just don’t learn. Bitter? Me? Absolutely not! Why the fuck would I be bitter? It’s not like I wasn’t stomped on by the only man who has loved me as I am. Or like I was stalked by a psychopathic serial killer who involved my family in his sick and twisted attempts to rape and mutilate me. Or like I was brought into a struggle with more of Van Cleef’s annoying assailants.

I mean really, maybe it’s just my sense of humor but what the fuck is with the stupid nicknames? They all seem to have them. I wonder if there’s actually a naming ceremony at that assassin school. Like when you graduate you get a diploma, a gun, and a new nickname. What the fuck ever! All I know is I’ve had enough of them. Undertaker, Blade, Deuce and Jeepers! I swear it’s been like being in a bad action movie, complete with the sinister uberboss and a full on assault of zombies. And just like any action movie, the bad guy lives to make a worse sequel. Let’s hope I’m wrong about that. I really don’t need a sequel, to any of it! I glance around my room and pause from my pacing. Nathaniel and Damian are working tonight, and all of my attempts to keep my mind off of Edward have failed.

It seems I can’t help but think about what he is doing? Who is he doing it with? Is he out on a kill? Will he ever use me as back up again? Is that all I’ll be is back up to him? Or worse things …like is he seeing someone else? If he is, does he love her or is he just using her as a cover? Will he ever come back? And if he does, will I kill him or kiss him? Damn, I don’t like the answer to that question! Fuck! There I go again. Pulling my mind away from Edward I move toward the kitchen. Hoping some coffee will settle me I soon have the comforting smell permeating the room. Just as I am helping myself to a cup my doorbell rings. Cursing inwardly I check the safety on my Browning and make my way over to the door.