.Things Rev Skippy can no longer do on the Pulpit

The author is not making any kind of profit from this fanfic.

This work is my own. Do not repost this story beyond the limits of the Fair Use standards of Copyright Law (quotes, examples, ‘you gotta read this’ excerpts, the usual). This list was inspired by the list 213 Things Skippy Is No Longer Allowed To Do In The US Army (http://www.skippyslist.com) which has appeared in various places and been sent to me in more than one E-mail. I made this stuff up, or had help.theme.

I hope you enjoy this list, and the original.

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The Bank Street area has been a difficult neighborhood for The Church for some years. Getting persons to live and work there had proven almost impossible, with ministers lasting anywhere from three days to ‘a month and a half not counting therapy.’ Finally, The Church found their solution in Reverend Smitherson (‘Skippy’ to friends and congregation alike). While ‘Skippy’ is more than willing to face the difficulties of the neighborhood and populace, he’s been less willing to behave in a manner the church council feels appropriate to the office. So, while they never have been pushed to the point of firing him, it has become a regular event for someone to take the Rev aside and provide specific instructions for his behavior. Skippy has kept a running log of these instructions and provides it here, in the hopes that ministers of all denominations may someday benefit from the improvements offered.

1. Aftershave is not to be applied with a putty knife.

2. Black helicopters are not hovering over the Nursery.

3. Can’t comment on how sexy the organist looks today.

4. Church Officers should not use the phrase ‘from hell’ as a compliment, such as ‘That was the guest sermon from hell, wasn’t it!’

5. Delivering a sermon in mime: bad idea.

6. Do not quote Sun Tzu as if reading from scripture.

7. Everyone is comfortable with the 10 commandments. My skill with binary does not make it easier for anyone in the congregation to like the 1010 Commandments.

8. For the last time, the Baby Jesus light in the nativity should not be a Black Light.

9. No one cares how cool the Mary figure looks under Black Lighting.

10. Genesis says the sun and moon were made ‘for signs and portents’. Not the stars. Stop padding the sermon with horoscopes.

11. Get down off the altar.

12. Go outside until the sparklers burn out.

13. I am not qualified to diagnose psychological problems, and ‘shallow gene pool’ is not a diagnosis anyway.

14. I cannot spike the bible after a successful sermon.

15. If I cannot remove the ‘Human Head’ warning label from the cooler, I should not bring it to the picnics.

16. Iniquity is not best fought by infiltration.

17. It is possible to consume too much coffee before delivering a sermon.

18. It is wrong to alter the shape of the ‘We’re Number One’ foam hand into a cross for use at press conferences.

19. It is wrong to compare scenes from Job to the latest ‘James Bond’ movie.

20. Jehovah’s Witnesses are not ‘our nemesis’ and we need not knock on their doors ‘to get some back.’

21. Maniacal laughter is not ‘perfect stress relief’ during funerals.

22. Must not take collections for the ‘Tomb Of The Unknown Moron' every time the Deacon is more than a minute overdue.

23. Must stop padding the sermons with ‘You might be a redneck if…’

24. Must stop saying ‘noted’ when people point out errors in my sermons.

25. Must stop trying to get the choir members to take loyalty oaths.

26. Especially not the ‘Tomahawk Chop.’ The congregation are not Braves fans.

27. No hymn is improved by belching any part of it.

28. No Mosh Pit, smoke machine, or fog lights.

29. And no whining about it not being ‘show biz’ anymore.

30. No one cares how many men went into the bar, nor their professional positions within the hierarchy of their respective religious traditions.

31. No one is interested in what material my underwear is made out of.

32. No one needs to hear what Moses’ AD&D stats would have been.

33. No one wants to hear me go on about what they do to you in the drive-through.

34. No one wants to help me look for my invisible friend.

35. No ritual sacrifices...

36. ...even if they make a pleasing odor to the Lord...

37. ...even if you do them in the parking lot.

38. None of the commandments include the comment ‘Too Stupid to Live.’

39. Not allowed to add 'In accordance with the prophesy' to the end of answers I give to a question about the bake sale.

40. Not allowed to ask the Greeter where Beavis is.

41. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to 'The Vulgar' in fund raiser themes.

42. Not allowed to crucify the Easter Bunny to teach the children that all pagan symbols have died.

43. Not allowed to eat chili within 8 hours of a funeral service.

44. Not allowed to grant asylum to prostitutes.

45. Not allowed to refer to the church cat as my familiar.

46. Not allowed to replace Chick Tracts with brochures from the travel agency.

47. Not allowed to shoot rubber bands when everyone bows their heads for prayer.

48. Not allowed to snort Helium before quoting Jesus.

49. Not allowed to tell children God has a Noogie Patrol.

50. Nothing in the Tarot Deck is useful in spiritual counseling.

51. Pop quizzes to find out ‘who was really listening’ are not necessary.

52. Riding crops are not to be used in directing the choir or marriage counseling. Except the McSweeny’s of course.

53. Speaking in Pig-Latin will not confuse Satan’s spies.

54. Suicide counseling never involves Heavy Metal lyrics.

55. The Articles of Faith do not include the phrase ‘in a blaze of glory.’

56. The Inspector General has not authorized me to enter any and all spaces without let or hindrance as a means of stamping out heresy so I should avoid the girls locker room.

57. The Prime Directive is from Star Trek, not Leviticus.

58. The pulpit is not to be wired for ESPN, The Spice Channel or The Cartoon Network.

59. The story of the Resurrection does not end with ‘…saw his shadow, went back in the cave, and we have six more weeks of winter.’

60. The voices in my head are not ‘in a position to know.’

61. The wages of sin are NOT ‘heaps and heaps of slightly smelly cash.’

62. There is no reason to carry a Super Soaker® during services.

63. Turn off the propeller on your hat.

64. Valhalla is not the final destination of those that die owing more than a million bucks to creditors.

65. Verses about Adam and Eve discovering the shame of nudity are not made more clear by having the choir strip.

66. We do not end eulogies by saying ‘Nuff said.’

67. We do not ask the deceased ‘Whassup?’

68. We do not touch the little cups and offer a toast before partaking of communion.

69. Communion wine should not be served in "trick" paper cups.

70. "Goddamnit" is not, and never will be, a proper opening prayer.

71. "The Rapture" is a cosmo-theological event, not a description of my weekend in Vegas.

72. It is a 'baptismal fountain' not a 'bidet'!

73. No Yiddish in the sermons.

74. God is sometimes compared to light. This does not mean that Jesus can be ‘set for stun.’

75. Stories of atheists being ‘saved’ are consistent crowd-pleasers. Just start from ‘I Was An Atheist until one day…,’ not from ‘I started questioning my faith when…’

76. Full immersion baptism does not imply the use of seltzer bottles or fire hoses.

77. I must not interrupt scripture readings to ask ‘Was he making this stuff up as he went along?’

78. Must not refer to prayer as ‘Opening Hallelujah-ing Frequencies.’

79. Not allowed to tell the groom he gets a 15 minute head start.

80. The traditional wedding vows do not include the words 'in a blaze of glory.'

81. It is wrong to tell the bride that in light of recent court decisions, she has the option of exchanging vows with the groom or a bridesmaid.

82. It is so my fault.

83. Concerning the 'Guest Sermon Of The Month Program:

----Representatives of our and other Christian Denominations: Good

----Representatives of Monotheistic Traditions sharing more than a few litany sources with the Christian Faith: Interesting

----Representatives of Satanism, Buddhism, Shinto, that guy with the sword, 'Street Preachers,' anyone ordained over the Internet, anyone that's been on News of The Weird, the 'atheist chaplain' from the hippie commune: Bad.

84. If I must develop a sermon idea from a TV show, perhaps a Monday or Tuesday night show would indicate something less last minute and slap dash than "Dada' see who was hosting Saturday Night Live last night?'

85. There is no such thing as a Two-By-Four of Penance, and it is wrong to hit the sinners with it.

86. Must not deliver sermons from back to front.

87. My job description is not to ‘winnow out the weak.’

88. Not allowed to answer questions with "You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth!!!"

89. Not allowed to initiate crises so I can feel needed.

90. The ‘Chipmunk Song’ is to be used in moderation, especially when I have access to Helium.

91. Not allowed to use the Kama Sutra as a reference

92. Not to sing sea shanties with words I can neither define nor spell.

93. Not to say ‘so mote it be’ at the end of any question my parishioners ask.

94. Not to pick up the Bishop’s letter opener and say ‘Cool, you have an athame, too?’

95. I do not have the authority to send other people’s kids to military school, no matter what they did.

96. Not to imply there is a ‘code’ in the hymn selection.

97. Not to organize memorial services following the death of a parishioner’s: goldfish, hamster, imaginary playmate or batteries.

98. My purpose on Earth is not to ‘freak out the straights.’

99. Not to organize teens into teams for ‘stupid testosterone tricks.’

100. Not to exacerbate my congregation's ongoing feelings of nameless dread.

101. No longer allowed to answer rhetorical questions, even if there really is an answer.

102. The caber toss may well be something from my ethnic heritage, but care should be taken in the throwing of telephone poles in public spaces.

103. If you must refer to Europeans, it’s not pronounced ‘you’re a peein’.’

104. Not to announce that we are engaged in the support of SDI testing and throw coconuts into crowds.

105. Not allowed to excuse my tardiness due to ‘prevailing headwinds’ in the hallway.

106. Not allowed to give awards to the best and worst missed-church excuses of the week.

107. Not to refer all questions to ‘the nearest ornithologist.’

108. Not allowed to leave in response to the ‘bat signal,’ no matter what dastardly danger threatens fair Gotham.

109. …and take that costume off.

110. Not allowed to hire mariachi bands to play outside the window.

111. I don’t care what you ate; gastrointestinal problems do not constitute a fire hazard.

112. It is wrong to hang choir members in effigy.

113. The fact that it was funny when Ernie Kovacs did it does not mean I can include it in my presentation.

114. It is wrong to attempt to achieve immortality through monumental stupidity.

115. Don’t hand out gauze and medical tape at the door ‘in case of an outbreak of stigmata.’

116. It is wrong to use the hold button when dealing with a suicide call.

117. Stop shouting ‘containment breach’ when someone farts.

118. The pulpit is not the ideal support for product placement.

119. The ‘Ten Commandments’ are well understood by everyone. Sermons on the 613 Commandments in the Old Testament just confuses the parishioners.

120. Just because the courts say I can, doesn’t mean I should. Or must. Or have a divine mandate.

121. The phrase ‘Golf is like sex, you perform better wearing cleats’ is not to be spoken in this building ever again.

122. Stop telling the professional wrestlers that bloodlust is a sacrament.

123. It is wrong to delay Easter Service because you’re sorting M&M’s from your Easter Basket by color.

124. Wrong to tell parishioners that flesh-eating bacteria was released in our bathrooms, while the cure is only available to those who tithe 15%.

125. A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt, long enough to cover the essentials and short enough to keep interest. Yours are more like a wonderbra…attention getting, but mostly built up on false pretenses.

126. Not allowed to compare the Bishop’s sermons to an eye patch (more for looks than for any usefulness, and limits perception).

127. Not allowed to hand out lightning rods to parishioners I think are at greater risk during the prayer.

128. Not allowed to spread itching powder in the back pews even if I’m trying to promote use of the front ones.

129. The three biggest sacraments are not “when they’re hatched, when they’re matched and when they’re finally dispatched.”

130. Not allowed to operate a ‘seminary by mail’ course out of the church.

131. Not allowed to put a tip jar at the door.

132. Not allowed to charge the government for a ‘faith based’ antismoking campaign that only changes member’s cigarette addiction to chewing tobacco.

133. Not allowed to use sermons that are basically ham-fisted rewrites of old ‘Kung Fu’ episodes.

134. It is wrong to drive RC tanks around the pews while the choir sings.

135. It is, somehow, MORE wrong to keep playing with the remote, making ‘vroom-vroom’ noises, after they have taken away my tank.

136. I should own up to mistakes. I cannot invoke the 5th amendment when they ask ‘where is THAT in the Bible?’

137. …nor can I refuse to answer, saying I am ‘protecting my source.’

138. It is undesirable to write a sermon while watching CSI, asserting that “Every believer is a murderer. We all played a part in putting Jesus to death. Our sin.” and concluding that we should all turn ourselves in for conspiracy after the fact.

139. Revelation 3:2 does not indicate that we should get inebriated at the funeral of a loved one. It says 'keep awake,' not 'Keep A Wake.'

140. Moses wrote the book Numbers, that does not make him the first math geek.

141. The miraculous fish catches in Luke 5 and John 21 can provide a number of lessons for the congregation. None of them include speculation on what type of bait the Lord was using that day.

142. Not allowed to use ‘Thunderbird’ for communion wine.

143. Wrong to refer to Baptism as ‘a good god glug’ no matter how snappy it sounds.

144. Not to use Gary Larson cartoons as representative of actual conditions in Hell.

145. It is wrong to tell children that my collar "kills fleas and ticks for up to 5 months."

146. Despite the age and popularity of the joke, not allowed to baptize vermin in hopes of keeping them out of the church all year, except for Christmas and Easter.

147. Not allowed to close a sermon with offers of free coffee ("...so you're all awake for the drive home.")

148. April First occurs on Sunday, on average, once every six years. This is way too often to indulge my sense of humor in the writing of a 'Fool's Day' sermon.

149. I must apologize to all the balding men in the congregation for the topic of my April 1st sermon.

The following denominations and religious organizations are NOT candidates for our ‘sister church’ program: (note to the reader, I did not make any of these up. They are either on the internet, or referred to in someone’s ‘cult’ literature. The sincerity or clarity of each is left to the seeker....although i will say that the guy that feels the song "American Pie" was predicted in Deuteronomy is frighteningly sincere, while the Second Church of Shaternology...isn't as much.)

150. Atheists for Jesus

151. Aesthetic Realism Foundation

152. American Pie and the Armageddon Bible Prophecy Home Page (1. The pop song American Pie, which prophesies the destruction of America, was foretold in the Song of Moses in Deuteronomy 32)

153. Armageddon Time Ark Base Operation

154. Association for Past-Life Research and Therapies

155. Bible UFO Connection (UFO related)

156. Center for Alternate Realities

157. Church of Evolution

158. Church of God Anonymous

159. Church of the Apathetic Agnostic

160. Church of Virus

161. First Church of Jesus Christ, Elvis

162. First Church of PacMan

163. First Demonic Church

164. Fluids for Christ

165. God Saves the Earth Flying Saucer Foundation (UFO related)

166. Great White Brotherhood (UFO related)

167. Institute for Bio-Spiritual Research

168. International Assembly of Wizards

169. Jedi (The Force)

170. Jesus of Borg

171. Jews for Jesus

172. John F. Kennedy Worshippers

173. Jugglers Against Oppression (Homophobes, racists, sexists, ableists, classists, ageists, and gender oppressionists - watch out! The JUGGLERS are coming...)

174. Luciferian Liberation Front

175. Nudist Christian Church of the Blessed Virgin Jesus

176. Peyote Way Church of God

177. Second National Church of Shatnerology

178. Spirit Electronic communication Society

179. Temple of the Psychedelic Light and the Church of the Realized Fantasy

180. The First Satanglican Church of Wendall Corners (Satanism like Grandpa used to make...)

181. The Saint John Coltrane African Orthodox Church.

182. Twighlight Crossing: Hecatean Theurgical group

183. Universal Life Church of The Seven African Powers

184. Womyn Healing

185. Zen Atheism

186. Zodian New Age

Sunday School lesson topics I can no longer use:

187. Carpentry Jargon: Why dad says those funny words every time he uses a hammer

188. Christian Rock Music: Satan’s Oxymoron

189. Christmas: Why the church outlawed it as a pagan practice until adopting it and telling everyone it’s Christian

190. Heresology: Five thumbrules for determining how hell-bent your friend’s religion is.

191. Marriage: Why the church outlawed it as a pagan practice until adopting it and telling everyone it’s Christian

192. The Shroud of Turin…and the 25 other ‘authentic’ burial shrouds of Christ

193. Witnessing: why there’s no such thing as an unfair advantage.

194. Sexual Perversion: Tab “A” fits in Slot “A.” Anything else is Sodomy.

195. Chick Tracts: God’s hate-filled coloring books

196. Duke University Medical Center’s MANTRA study on the effectiveness of prayer on the recovery of angioplasty patients

197. 1 Samuel 15:3, God's Family Values

198. Hosea 9:14-16, God & Abortion

199. Early Christianity: Throwing pagans to the lions to 'get some back'

Not allowed to direct the congregation to pray and/or fast in aid of:

200. Army beating Navy

201. Political movements in violation of our 501(c)(3) status.

202. Yamulke in the third

203. Cardinal Law’s Legal Defense

204. Cardinal Law’s Prosecutor

205. ‘something worth eating’ at the next church supper

206. a less stultifying bishop’s appeal

207. more cleavage on ‘Seventh Heaven’

Not allowed to excommunicate people just because they:

208. pronounce "sin" with two (or more) syllables.

209. talk to people in King James English.

210. argue that bar codes are satanic.

211. carry a chart of the occultist symbols on the dollar bill.

212. say Amen more than once an hour.

213. maintain that evolution, money, television or pornography are religions.