Jacob Black's How Not to Get the Girl

 

A/N: I have no idea why I’m posting this this. I mean, I’m letting the whole internet see this. Oh God. I’m going to get hate mail for this, I’m sure of it. I only wrote this because I was having writer’s block over another story (which I haven’t even posted), and couldn’t just let myself sit at the computer and do nothing. And also because I read another story where something similar happened, and couldn’t get it out of my head! Of all the plot bunnies, I get stuck with the vicious, (wo)man eating one! And okay, I was in a perverted mood. Don’t kill me please? Oh God.

For the sake of this story, New Moon has already happened, but Edward did not propose. The thing with Victoria is still going on, but dear old Vicky’s been awol for a couple months now. I’m not sure on the canon timeline right now, but lets pretend their summer’s ending, and school picks up again in two weeks. This chapter (yes, there’ll be more) alternates between Edward and Jacob’s POV, so that  no one’s confused. Good? Good.

Chapter 1: How Not to Get the Girl

Pain wracked through my body as I slumped to the ground, trying to gather enough concentration to even speak. Where was my pack? Couldn't they hear me? My vision flickered in and out, and my chest heaved with effort. I noticed vaguely that I'd phased back at some point, my naked body pressed painfully against the forest floor. What's happening? I wondered, my eyes pricking with pained tears. I felt a shocking pain in my lower abdomen, soreness in my chest, and plain, indescribable pain everywhere else. My eyes screwed shut, willing the pain to stop, and finally found blessed unconsciousness, but not before I heard soft but rapid footsteps racing towards me.

~

I struggled against consciousness, fighting for a few more moments free of the agony I was sure was awaiting me. There was no avoiding it though, and I slowly woke up, blinking tiredly at my surroundings. What was this, a hospital? I wondered at the stark white room. Who had found me? A pack member I hoped, how would I explain this to anyone else- I wasn't sure what had happened in the first place.

I stiffened instantly as a terribly familiar smell hit my nose, and my heart dropped. Vamps, worse, the Cullens, right in the next room. I sat up from the ridiculously soft bed is found myself in, glancing nervously around me. The room was barren, except for the bed itself, more so than I'd expected of the Cullen's, who were obviously sitting on more money than they could use in an eternity. Shit, what was I doing in here? I tried to remember why I'd passed out, what had been causing me so much pain, but the door suddenly slammed open, and I jumped in surprise.

Standing almost awkwardly in the doorway was Doc Cullen, the pixie vamp, and Edward, expressions wary. I should've been angry, maybe worried for my safety even, but that smell hit me again, and my mind went blank. I realized, as I sniffed  the air, that I hadn't even registered the pixie or Carlisle, but had somehow zeroed in on Edwards scent. He smelled masculine and sensual, like nothing I'd ever sensed before. Damn, that sounded gay. But the scent stirred up an odd feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my body began heating up uncomfortably. I didn't speak, my mind too muddled to form words.

"Jacob," Carlisle said, cutting the awkward silence, "how are you feeling?" I looked him at him searchingly, and shrugged. " I don't know. What happened?" I felt so strange, as if my entire body had been melted down and resculpted in my sleep. I noticed, oddly enough, that Edward seemed much larger than me from this angle.

Carlisle sighed at my confusion. "To be honest, I was hoping you'd know. Edward found you on the border of our lands, passed out, and not... yourself. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion, trying to understand what the Doctor meant. "Hey, I got that mirror you wanted!"  The big vamp said, his name started with an E I think, as he barged into the room setting a large, ornate mirror in front of me. I saw my reflection just as Carlisle groaned in disapproval. "Emmett! Now you've done it!" the pixie shouted. "Just look at her face, she's obviously scared and confused, now you've gone and put her in shock!"

I ignored them mostly, fixated on my reflection.

Looking back at me with shock and surprise written all over her face was a russet skinned, dark eyed girl, with long silken hair and full lips. She could've been my sister, a twin even, but the terrifying thing was, she was /me/. The girl in the mirror's eyes widened in shock, and we screamed, the sound much higher pitched than I could've managed just hours ago. A moment later, a cold hand clapped over my mouth, muffling my shrieks while rubbing my bare back soothingly, I realized then that underneath the blanket I'd instinctually covered myself with I was naked, but the comforting embrace calmed me, and I couldn't bring myself to care. "Calm down" a honeyed voice told me, and I relaxed into Edwards arms. Somewhere in the back of my mind reminded me that this was horribly wrong, but his scent overpowered my thoughts yet again. His cold fingers were shocking against my hot skin, trailing over my back and shoulders and sending shivers down my spine. His hands slipped underneath the sheet, stroking my flat stomach gently before reaching to graze the undersides of my breasts. Breasts?! I jumped, the intimate moment lost, my face heating in embarrassment when I saw the scrutinizing expressions of our... audience.

How could I have forgotten about the other vamps in the room? And Edward, what did he think he was doing? We hated each other- fought over the same girl even- Bella. What about her? I'd fought for her with everything I had, and if Sparkleboy hadn't ruined my chances enough, turning into a girl likely wasn't helping. I felt confused, and angry and miserable, all in the same moment. It was overwhelming. I didn't realize I was crying until Edward handed me a tissue. I took the tissue, and nearly smiled at him, but decided against it. Pulling my hand back, I slapped him instead, his expression incredulous.

The big gorilla vamp laughed, a sound like rolling thunder, and Doc glared at him.  "I, I don't understand. I feel so-" I burst into tears again, feeling embarrassed as I cried in a room full of vampires, including one who'd practically just molested me. "I don't remember much of my human life Jacob, but I can tell you that the moodiness is just part of being a girl," the pixie said, a slight smile on her face. She seemed friendly enough, and I remembered that she was Bella's favorite leech, but I couldn't return the gesture.

            "Is there any way you can contact your pack, I'm sure they'd have a better understanding of your situation than we could. I nodded, sniffling. "I'd better get home, I was supposed to return hours ago,"

"Actually, I'd feel better if you stayed here for the time being Jacob," Carlisle interrupted. "So far you don't appear to be injured, but I don't feel comfortable allowing you to travel so far until I'm certain you are capable. Is there a way you could bring them here to discuss your...condition, and they can take you home.

            "Okay," I agreed, hoping to avoid that particular discussion for as long as possible. It was bound to get ugly- not to mention embarrassing. "Do you have a phone around here?" I asked, a small cellphone placed in my hands in a heartbeat.

I dialed the number carefully, and handed the phone to Carlisle, afraid to speak for myself.

"Hello? This is Doctor Carlisle Cullen," he said formally.

" Yes, Jacob is with us, there was an incident- no, he's fine. You see, an issue has come up, and we were hoping your tribe could shed some light on the situation.... I assure you, none of my children have caused him any harm, he is simply a bit confused... Mr. Black, you really need to see it for yourself.... Yes well, I hope we can resolve this soon. Yes, goodbye." Carlisle  put down the phone, suddenly looking tired. "Alice, please get Jacob some clothes, her pack will be arriving in a minute."

            Alice nodded tossing me a baggy shirt to wear in the meantime. I pulled it over my head, doing my best to cover myself up, and stood up from the bed. Sparing one confused look towards Edward, Alice grabbed my hand, and I let myself be pulled out of the room.

We passed two doors, and at the third walked into a bedroom that looked more like a five star hotel room. "There's no telling your bra size, so hopefully this will work," she said, handing me a lacy pink bra that, to be honest, looked too small for me. She caught my expression, and rolled her eyes. "Look, I'm a 34C , you're at least a D, it's the best I can do on such short notice. Do you know how to put it on?" I'm not sure what my face looked like, but I guess something told her I'd need help. She came up behind me and pulled off my shirt and slipped the bra in place, pulling the clasps together. "There, easy right?" she asked, as I appraised myself in the mirror. The bra was too small, and my breasts were pushed up uncomfortably. Standing naked in front of the mirror, I realized that Emmett was right. I was pretty hot. I wasn't tall anymore- at least, not by wolf standards, but my legs were long and lean, and I was taller than Alice by a good three inches. My hips were wider than hers too, and I had what Rebecca and Rachel always called an hourglass figure. "I'll just get you some shorts and a tank top I guess, no point in getting dressed up for some dogs," she said, and I rolled my eyes.

            She tossed a blue tank top at me, it had sequin detailing and a name brand logo I didn't recognize, although I was sure that meant it was expensive. The shorts were ridiculous, they barely covered my ass, and with the shirt on you could barely tell I was wearing them at all. "listen leech, I know I was all emotional and girly back there, but I cant wear this around the pack- I'd never live it down. Don't you have something less... Skimpy?"

            The pixie vamp snorted. "Pup, this is the least attractive thing I own. Unless your okay with meeting with your pack in your birthday suit, you'll get over it." I growled quietly, but instead of looking fearful or even annoyed, she smirked at me. "What was with you and Ed earlier? I was under the assumption that you hated each other." I was sure my face had turned beet red, but I denied it anyways. "Of course we do- what kind of question is that?"

            "Just like the vision I have of you two making puppies in every room of this house?" she asked slyly, and my jaw dropped. I couldn't help but notice the warmth pooling between my legs as  she said this. I bit my lip as I imagined being taken on the kitchen table, his face in between my thighs, his long, agile fingers making me come undone, the living room sofa, where he'd touch every inch of me and make me lose my mind as he drove into me without restraint. Damn.The bitch was smirking at me again. I growled at her. “Maybe I’ll rip Sparkle-Dick’s throat out when this is over, if you want proof.”

"Alice! Come down here please!" Carlisle called from downstairs. Alice left the room, and I moved to follow her, but she shook her head. "Wait. We'll call you down once Carlisle has explained."

And with that she disappeared down the stairs.

~

EdPOV:

I couldn't concentrate as Carlisle and Alice argued quietly, occasionally asking my opinion of the situation. Carlisle, although concerned for Jacobs safety was even moreso concerned that the tribe might see this as an excuse to retaliate. Alice simply wanted to keep him- her?- here. How would we explain to Jacob, now a sixteen year old boy with a girl's body, that he'd inexplicably changed genders?

"She's waking up," Alice said prancing towards the spare room we'd placed her in. Sighing, Carlisle and I followed unsure of what to expect.

She was sitting up in bed, the thin sheet loosely wrapped around womanly curves. Her hair was tangled and wild, but instead of looking bedraggled she came across as freshly fucked. Her large, dark brown eyes were startled, but when they locked onto mine instead of narrowing, they darkened significantly, her gaze full of an emotion I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"Jacob, how are you feeling?" Carlisle asked, drawing the goddess's eyes for a moment. She looked lost, confused, and I could help but feel for her. She shrugged, almost imperceptibly. "I... I don't know. What happened?" she asked in a voice that was like sugar and silk. How did the mangy dog become such a beautiful girl?

Carlisle sighed, disappointed. "To be honest, I was hoping you'd know. Edward found you on the borders of our land, unconscious and...not yourself." She frowned in confusion for a moment, her pretty mouth opening to ask the inevitable question- just as Emmett barged in, Rosalie's bedroom mirror in hand. " I got the mirror you wanted he said, setting it in front of Jacob. "Damn," he said, "she's hot", he said, although Jacob obviously wasn't listening. She sat stock still as she took in her reflection, her dark eyes widening in shock. Her full lips trembled, and to everyone's surprise she let out a bloodcurdling shriek.

My reaction was instantaneous, instinctual even, as I moved to comfort her, my hand covering her mouth as I massaged her soft skin. She stopped immediately, gasping softly, her warm breath misting against my hand. I removed my hand from her mouth, I wasn't thinking straight, my mind clouded by the warmth of her skin and the smell of her hair. She smelled like cinnamon and something woodsy, pine needles maybe, spicy and exotic but clean, not a dirty dog like I'd expected. I wondered for a moment how she would taste. She jerked violently away from me, her face red, and I realized that I'd been close to squeezing one of her breasts. What the hell was I doing? What would Bella think, if she had seen me?

Carlisle himself seemed shocked, if his thoughts were any indication, but Emmett and Alice shared a conspiratorial smirk, and my eyes narrowed in suspicion.

Jacob bit her lip, her dark eyes filling with tears, and then the dam broke, and she sobbed, her mind confused and angry. I handed her a tissue, and she took it, a small smile of gratitude quirked at her lips, but she shut it off quickly, and slapped me with all her might.

It was odd, actually feeling the pain, although I couldn't bring myself to be mad at her, considering her situation. Emmett laughed, and Jacob looked at him with slight amusement, although her mind was no less jumbled. I stared at her back, her long hair fell past the small of her back, her chocolate colored skin contrasting vividly against the stark white of the sheets. Alice threw her a shirt, and he was sad to see the view disappear under the giant top. It looked like it could have fit her when she was still a he, and still have plenty of length to spare. She was much smaller than her male self, and the shirt's hem fell modestly at her knees, but she continued pulling at it nervously, as if she were still indecent. Alice began pulling her out of the room, but she sent one last glance towards me, her expression just as confused as her head.

The door shut, and I realized with anxiety that I was now alone with Carlisle and Emmett. "Damn, Eddie! I didn't know you had it in you!" Emmett congratulated, clapping him on the back. Carlisle sent him a look of disapproval, and he quieted, his eyes still sparkling with mischief.

" I didn't know you had it in you either Edward," he said, sounding more subdued than upset. If I'd still been human, I would've blushed. "What brought this on Edward? What would Bella think?" he asked, his voice calm, but his words chastising. I cringed at the thought. I'd already broken Bella's heart once before- this fixation I had for Jacob- her Jacob of all people, would shatter her. "Aww, give him a break pops, Eddie's obviously never been around a sexy woman before, even if it is just Jacob Black," Emmett said, a cheeky grin on his face. Carlisle shook his head and left, probably to greet the Wolves at the border.

I followed, if only to get away from Emmett's ridiculous smirk. I could hear their thoughts already, a jumble of outrage, and worry for Jacob, whom they'd searched for for hours, only to discover that he'd been here all along. Well, she had anyways. Carlisle was in the middle of explaining, but he was at a loss at how to tell them about Jacob. "Spit it out bloodsucker," Sam Uley growled, looking agitated, but decidedly less volatile than the others.

"There is truly no way to describe it, you'll just have to see for yourselves," he admitted, calling for Alice. She nodded, indicating that Jacob was ready. "Jacob? Could you come down stairs please?" I could hear her pacing upstairs, and I wondered if her pack could hear the weight difference. She must have been too scared to let them hear her voice, and began shouting in her mind, ordering me to relay the message. Everyone turned to me when I laughed out loud.

“She says ‘Hell no. It’ll be a snow day in hell before the pack sees me like this!’”  The door slammed, nearly enough to knock it off its hinges.

~

I'd nearly worked up the courage to go downstairs, but quite. How could I face them like this? I was a fucking girl, a girl in fancy clothes with Vampire stench all over me! I could practically hear them laughing at me already.

"Jacob, please, be reasonable," Alice called up, "you family is getting worried." I snorted. So they were getting violent, so what? That's what werewolves did! If they really needed to, they could've just busted down the door and dragged me downstairs or something. 'And don't get any ideas either, Sparkle Boy!' I added, just in case.



" You could just be mature about this and come downstairs," he answered, that stupid sexy voice of his sounding all smug.



'Im sixteen, not a hundred and whatever. Besides, you didn't just wake up as a girl!'



"Emmett." I heard Alice say, and the door smashed open, the gorilla of a vampire grabbing me by the waist and hauling me downstairs like a fuckin sack of flour. Next thing I knew, I was sitting on the Cullen's wooden floors looking up at the shocked faces of Sam, Paul and Jared. "Well damn. I thought you leeches were all manners," I muttered.

~

Sam's mouth fell open, and Jared sank down onto the couch, shock evident in his eyes. Paul... Paul was just staring, although he wasn't exactly looking me in the eyes. "I..um... Hi guys."

"Jake? That's not really you is it?" Sam asked.

"Mostly. I don't know what's going on, so don't bother asking." I  was hoping Paul would snap out of it, but his eyes were locked onto my chest. I stood up, hoping he'd look away. He didn't. I waved my hand in his face. He ignored it. Officially annoyed, I pulled back and punched him in the nose, smiling at the cracking sound of it breaking. Even as a girl, I could still break Paul's face. Sweet.

"Shit man! Why'd you go and do that?" he whined, clutching his nose as blood ran through his fingers.

"Would you like to see if I've lost any strength in my little transformation, Paul? Because I'd like to bet I can still kick your sorry ass just as well." He held up his hands in defeat. " I know you're you're still Jake, but I can't hit a girl! That's not even fair man!" I rolled my eyes, he never hesitated to attack Leah, and if he thought I was falling for it, he was dumber than I thought.

"Enough of this. I believe you had nothing to do with this," Sam told the Cullens, although his expression was far from trusting. "Thank you for helping our bro- sister," he stumbled slightly, his brows furrowed in confusion.

"Let's go," he said, nodding farewell to the Cullen's. "I hope you find the answers you need," Carlisle said, as Sam grabbed my hand and led me out the door. I hadn't really noticed before, but  Sam was now a good foot and a half taller than me, twice as wide, and just as intimidating.

"Jacob," he asked, just as we reached the treeline, "are you sure- you don't have the slightest idea what might happened?"

I shook my head. "I was just running my patrols. Next thing I know everything hurts and I black out. I woke up with half the Addams family breathing down my neck.”

He looked me over quickly- not like Paul, who I still itched to punch- more like he was he was concerned, and probably confused. Hell, I know I was.

            “What’s with the clothes Jake?” He asked hesitantly, as if he was afraid of the answer.

I glared back at the Leeches’ house. “Alice. The Pixie looking one, decided to play Barbie. I’ve never felt so molested in my life,” I told him finally, wandering deeper into the woods to phase. Sam caught my arm.

            “I don’t think that’s a good idea Jake- you might be hurt. We still have no clue what’s wrong with you,” he said.

I crossed my arms over my uh, chest. “And how exactly am I gonna get home  then? On your back?” I asked. I wasn’t the only sick one if he thought that was gonna fly with me.

            “Actually, your Dad’s waiting in the car,” he said, grinning sheepishly.

“Are you /trying/ to give my old my old man a heart attack?” I shouted.

           

A/N: There it is. Jacob Black’s a girl. Don’t worry, there’s a plot, I’m not just making an excuse to make Jacob/Edward into het. Sorry if Jake came off really uhm, ridiculous. (S)He’s meant to appear really confused and hormonal.

Thanks for bearing with me on this,

~Mari