Chaos on TV

Disclaimer: None of The Characters are mine, I don’t own the show. Quotes are taken from the Play.

The Jerry Springer Show
“ My Mother married my Uncle.”

Fade in: Audience shouting “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!” Music introduction.

Jerry: Today’s show is about loved ones and betrayal…(quietly) what else is new? (Normal again) The main questions to be asked are, what would you do for love? And, Is there ever “too much” family togetherness?
Our first guest today is Prince Hamlet. Prince Hamlet is from Denmark and he claims that after his father’s death his mother married with his uncle.
Well Hamlet, you think their marriage was too close to the death of your father?

Hamlet: “Thrift, thrift, Jerry! The funeral baked meats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven or ever I had seen that day, Jerry!”

Jerry: Uh, yeah whatever. A yes would have worked too. Let’s bring out Hamlet’s uncle. Here is King Claudius.

Audience: Boo! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

(Claudius walks to a chair and sits facing Hamlet, smiling.)

King Claudius: “My cousin Hamlet, and my son-“

Hamlet: “ A little more than kin, and less than kind.”

Jerry: Can we ever have people that talk normal on this show? After the break we will meet Hamlet’s mother…maybe she can talk.

(Music, audience chanting, fade out.)

(Fade in, music, chanting.)

Jerry: Before the break we met King Claudius. Kind Claudius was the brother to Hamlet’s late father, King Hamlet. These names are just too…nevermind. Now as we have all wondered Claudius will tell us…

Hamlet: (Interrupting) “Thou incestuous, murderous, damned Dane!”

(Hamlet attacks Claudius, stopped by security. Jerry throws his hands up in disgust.)

Audience: (Chanting) Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

(All settle down.)

Jerry: You know, let’s just bring out the Queen. Oh, here’s an interesting one…Queen…Gertrude…(Laughs)

(Audience boos as the Queen rushes over to Hamlet)

Queen Gertrude: “Good Hamlet, sat thy knighted color off, and let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark. Do not forever with thy vailed lids seek for thy father in the dust.”

Hamlet: “Frailty thy name is woman!” (Turns to Jerry.) “Two months dead- nay, not so much, not two. So excellent a king, that was to this Hyperion to a satyr, so loving to my mother that he might not beteem the winds of heaven visit her face too roughly.”

Jerry: What does that mean? Someone, translation, please….

Queen Gertrude: “ Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.”

Hamlet: Mother, you have my father much offended.”

Queen Gertrude: “Come, come, you answer witidleidle tongue.”

Hamlet: “Go, go you question with a wicked tongue.”

Jerry: (To audience) Do you understand them, ‘cause I certainly don’t.
Ok, let’s bring out the Prince of Norway, he claims that Denmark owes him land of HIS dead father’s….what is it with the dead dads?
Here he is….Prince…..Fourteen…er…Fortinbras….

(Audience laughs as Prince Fortinbras walks on to the stage)

Fortinbras: I want my land!

Jerry: So, Fortinbras, do you know about the situation between Claudius, Gertrude and Hamlet?

Fortinbras: I want my land!

Jerry: Where do we find these people? More after this break….

(Music, audience cheering, fade out.)

(Fade in, audience cheering, music.)

Jerry: Welcome back. We’ve just got some exciting news during the break. Here is Hamlet’s friend, Horatio… (to audience) who names these people?

(Horatio walks out, audience cheers as he sits between Hamlet and Queen Gertrude.)

Horatio: “My lord, I think I saw him yesternight.”

Hamlet: “Saw? Who?”

Horatio: “My lord, the King your father.”

Hamlet: “ The King my father?”

Jerry: Yes people, he means the dead one….
Here he is, the Ghost of King Hamlet….

(Ghost walks out on stage, looks at Claudius, frowns, shakes head and sits.)

Hamlet: “Speak. I am bound to hear.”

Ghost: “ I am thy father’s spirit, doomed for a certain term to walk the night, and for the day confined to fast in fires, till the foul crimes done in my days of nature are burnt ad purged away.”

Jerry: Yeah, tragic…

Ghost: “ ‘Tis given out that, sleeping in my orchard, a serpent stung me. So the whole ear of Denmark is by a forged process of my death rankly abused. But know, thou noble youth, the serpent that did sting thy father’s life now wears his crown.”

(Hamlet looks at Claudius, back to his father and to Claudius again. Getting up he rushes at Claudius, knocking the “king’s” crown off before security pulls him away. Audience chants and Jerry looks on in confusion.)

Jerry: We’ll be back in a moment with questions from the audience…

(Music, chanting, fade out.)

(Fade in, chanting, music.)

(Audience member stands up and takes the microphone.)

Person 1: Yeah, uh, this comment is for that other Prince guy. Um, what do you have to do with any of this?

Fortinbras: I want my land!

Jerry: Well, he has a lot to say….

(Jerry walks across to the other side of the audience)

Person 2: (Standing up) Hamlet, aren’t you happy that your mother found someone to love after her first husband died, you should stop being so selfish!

(Audience cheers)

Hamlet: “ Ha, ha, are you honest? Are you fair? Wouldst THOU be a breeder of sinners? I could accuse me of such things that it were better my mother had not born me!” Selfish…never…

Jerry: Well, I guess he thinks he isn’t selfish.

(Audience laughing. Jerry goes to an audience member in front.)

Person 3: Horatio, you seem like you know all of this stuff that is going on…and you seem like the only sane person in the group….how do you do it?

Horatio: Simple, “I am more an antique Roman than a Dane.” I swore not to say anything, so, I didn’t. Loyal to my word.

Jerry: These people REALLY need help….
We’ll be back with a final thought….

(Music, Chanting, fade out.)

(Fade in, music, chanting.)

Jerry: Love, it’s more of a question than something that exists. When we love someone we will do everything for him or her, but we never really know if they love us back. When family love gets to be too much, it ruins everyone.

Fortinbras: (off camera) I WANT MY LAND!

( Fortinbras attacks Jerry and begins to strangle him. Security quickly runs to Jerry’s aid. Hamlet and Horatio pull Security off of Jerry. Horatio glances at Hamlet, they nod and turn back to Jerry. Hamlet and Horatio draw their swords and wait for Jerry’s reaction. Jerry stares back, cowering to the corner.)

Hamlet: No sword. (Laughs) He has no sword. (Laughs and falls onto the ground dropping his sword on the stage.)

Horatio: You must be joking. Where is your sword Jerry?

Jerry: I have no sword you psychos, it’s 2003...no one carries swords around with them. (Looks into the audience) HELP ME YOU IDIOTS!!!!!
Fortinbras: (Held by two audience membestrustrugglind rnd repeating over and over) I WANT MY LAND!!!

(Horatio, laughing turns to Hamlet and helps him up.)

Queen Gertrude: (Running to Jerry) Don’t ever call my son a psycho you evil man! (She jumps on Jerry and begins hitting him with her shoe.)

Jerry: HELP ME!

Hamlet: Time to end the show Jerry….

Jerry: (Struggling) That’s all for today’s show, see you tomorrow. HELP! Get off me you sick little…
(Fade out to credits):