The Poet and the Pendulum

Part Title: Interlude III [ the truth will free my soul ]
Pairing: Jasper/Jacob
Rating: pg13
Words: 2 610 words
Disclaimer: The Twilight series and its characters belong to Stephanie Meyer, who I am definitely not. This means that I don't own the characters or anything but the strange circumstances that I slap them into. I'll put them back once I'm done with them, promise.

Interlude III
. the truth will free my soul .
If there's something to be said about there being a lot of lies wrapped up so that they look better then the truth, then I would know. Though, I suppose, the lies are usually much easier to swallow then the truths are; they're much less ugly. You can dress up a lie as much as you want, but the truth is much harder to tart up; it's always there, staring you right in the face, forcing you to acknowledge it.

Sometimes, though, the truth can be so difficult to spot that you don't know it's there until harsh, cold reality slaps you across the face. Which, in my case, happened recently.

I had not ever thought to look at my own gender for that connection which I knew was there between Esme and Carlisle, Rosalie and Emmett; even Edward and his human girl, Bella. Always I had assumed that the traditional gender roles and rules would apply; man meets woman, they fall in love, they're soul mates. It was as simple as that, at least, it had been.

But there is no such thing as rules in the games of love and affairs of the heart. The boundaries that we impose upon ourselves are merely the results of the times in which we live, and values that are instilled in us from a very young age. From everything that I had known of my human life, and much of my vampire life as well, the idea of two men being together in any sense of intimacy was considered wrong, immoral.

Of course, that was only in the eyes of a human; as a vampire, there are certain shackles of which one is released from when they're turned. You learn quickly that you need to forget about the teachings of your human life, to quit living to human standards, because things change. What may be deemed immoral by the society of the time, may become the norm in just a few short decades.

For instance, only a few decades ago, sex was a very taboo topic. It wasn't discussed publicly or in the privacy of the home; only behind closed doors in the bedroom, in the sanctity of the marriage bed did it ever come up. And there was always very little to talk about; they thought of it as just simply another thing that one had to do in order to procreate.

Now it's almost an everyday subject. You hear people discussing it in the streets, in coffee shops. It's almost as if it's become something that people are fascinated with rather then something to be ashamed of; though discretion and modesty are still widely practiced. And a few things still meet with the general public being rather... squeamish, or in disagreement, of.

Which brought me back to the current dilemma that I was mulling over. Normally I had a rational explanation for everything that I did, I was used to being able to detach myself from a situation and look it over from all angles; searching for any flaws that I could take advantage of, or problems that needed to be fixed. Everything was meticulous and planned.

Love, though, is not rational and can tear even the best laid plans asunder. This wasn't the best situation for any of this to have happened, but it was for the best. I mean, if it wasn't for this situation with the newborns, both of us would have continued with our lives, never knowing that some crucial part of our existence was missing until it was too late.

I was under no illusions that we were going to break the treaty, that eventually Bella Swan would no longer be human. The chances that we could continue to live peacefully alongside the Quileute werewolves would have been crushed with that betrayal; and then, war could possibly break out. I didn't know how the present situation would factor into their decision on whether or not this would count; but I was hoping that it wouldn't be a stupid choice on their part. Or on ours.

Rosalie would do something stupid, if given the chance; she was very open in how she felt about the werewolves. But Carlisle would never think of it, and Esme is such a caring person that she could never hurt anyone consciously.

But I wasn't supposed to be thinking about the what ifs, I didn't have Alice's ability (the thought of her name brought a pang to my heart, though it wasn't the sort of remorseful abandonment that I should have felt); and there was the disadvantage that even she could not see the wolves. For one reason or another, they were immune to it; but I doubted that it was an immunity like Bella's.

Alice. The thought of my now former lover and wife didn't bring that feeling of betrayal and self-loathing that it should have. Those treacherous thoughts that continually whisper in your mind, how could you do something like this? Don't you love her? How could you just get up and walk away from the woman who you swore to love until death do you part?

Her words rang true to me; I'd acknowledged that earlier. Maria had destroyed my trust in others, and Alice had been the one to find me at my worst, when I was broken, lost, and hateful of the world which I had lost all of my faith in. All I had was myself, and that was the only person who I could rely on. It was truly that simple. I didn't believe that a monster like me, a true monster, really deserved the love of someone as innocent and pure as the one who had been thrust right into my life.

I was tainted, and so was she. It was a starting point, and it was through her that I started to begin to change; I had the drive and want that was needed, but there was always something missing. Alice had to have known this, and she compensated for it by always being there for me, for helping me through every problem every hurdle in the road which I tripped over. She was there to help set me back on my feet and point me back in the right direction.

But some unconscious part of myself knew that Alice was not who I was seeking, who it was who would truly know who I was and would be able to see and know every part of me. That was a thought that my mind, the rational and conscious part, could not properly handle; at least not then. I needed time, and Alice gave it to me; she gave me everything that I would need in order to find that one special person who could dispel any notion about my lack of human status.

With Alice it had always felt like I was almost human, but there was that one small fragment of myself that kept reminding me that I was a monster; that I all I would ever be was a cold-blooded killer. And it was that small part of myself that kept reaching out, that kept searching, and it was what had kept me from giving over to the supposed feelings of guilt and self-loathing that I should have been feeling.

Over the years, there had been a bit of a drifting apart between us; one that I hadn't noticed, but I was sure that Alice had seen it, and that she had known what it meant. I was free, she had let me go with the full knowledge that it was never her who had been the one; I did feel like I owed her something, but all I could do for her was hope that she would one day find what I had.

If anyone deserved to be happy and in love, it was Alice.

For everything she had done for me, I was grateful; and I would always be grateful. There was no way that I could erase the close bond that had formed between us over the years, and I didn't want too; even that subconscious part of me wanted her to stay in my life, if only as a friend and adoptive sister. I had what had I had always been looking for, and I wasn't about to give that up.

This made everything much more complicated then it had been before. I hadn't been so worried before the meeting, because I hadn't known nor cared really about any of the wolves; Carlisle and Esme were the bleeding hearts of our family. We would all survive, of that I had such faith in, we were stronger, more indestructible then the wolves.

Jake, though, wasn't like us. He was more human, though much stronger, faster, and with astounding regenerative abilities, but that didn't change the fact that he was human at heart; that he was mortal. That mortality could prove to be fatal; too much damage, too much blood loss could cause irreversible damage or even death. And I didn't even want to think about all of the possible ways that there could be for him to meet his end so quickly; and if that happened... all I would be able to do was pray that it had, or would be, painless.

Pain seared upwards from my chest, and I abruptly got off the couch. I shouldn't be having thoughts like this, not now especially when the battle was hovering so closely over the horizon. I needed to think things through logically, and try and keep my emotions out of it; I could not plan effectively if I was doing so with the sort of emotional viewpoint that I was looking at it with.

A shower seemed like a good idea.

It wasn't too hard to find the bathroom in the tiny house, there was only one, and I tossed my clothes carelessly onto the ground and shut the door. I was wound so tight that even the smallest thing would probably make me snap; I needed to think about something less dark.

Which invariably brought me back to the events of earlier as I stepped under the steaming spray of hot water. I hadn't had sex like that in years, not since my newborn days or the short years which followed meeting Alice; and it was shocking at which it had such a lingering effect on me. I had never thought that sex could be as potent or leave you so desperate for more, but I found that I was already growing hard just thinking about it.

He had tasted sweet, but not that superficial sweet that I'd experienced with others; but a deep, rich taste which left you hungry for more. Think of it, I suppose, like an addiction; once you taste it, you can never have enough, which leaves you yearning for more. My mind was being traitorous, and replayed it for me.

I could remember how it felt as his mouth traced over the scars which covered much of my skin, and I recalled how worried and almost panicked he had been about them. As if they could hurt me, even now. It was endearing, really, that he should care so much about me that past injuries would make him start to fear for my existence, or life perhaps. Each scar that he came across, he pressed his lips against it with such a loving devotion that it made my still heart swell to the point where I thought it might burst.

Instinctively, my more animalistic side had been urging me to simply take; to slake my newfound thirst for him and his flesh and make him mine right then and there. But I couldn't do that to him, not when it was his first time being with anyone; I would not sacrifice the trust and love that he had placed in me so that I could have him right then. I wanted to do it right, and I would injure myself physically and mentally if it was required.

Jake's humanity plagued me during the beginning, I was just so worried that I would hurt him; but he refused to be treated as though he was some fragile human woman, and demanded me to show him, and give him, whatever my vampire nature wanted. And even with that seeming bit of consent, I still held back. Oh, it might not have been as gentle or soft as Edward was with Bella, but it was most definitely not the often rough and violent sex that characterized our race.

Often, we simply take what we want for each other when it comes to sex; we're not used to having to watch our control because we might kill our partner. It had taken every inch of self-control that I had to simply not throw him to the floor and just ravish him right there, regardless of preparation or seeing to his comfort. Now Carlisle's own struggles to control his lust for the blood of humans was beginning to sound as difficult and arduous as it had been; because I could identify with it.

This wanting, this primal urge, that was even then threatening to take over me was tearing at the cage into which I had shoved it into. I couldn't risk letting it out for fear that it would hurt the one person who meant more to me then anything else; even my own life. But I knew that I could only hold it back for so long, that eventually it would break free, and Jake would have to be prepared for the repercussions for what that would bring.

Suddenly I was quite glad that it was a werewolf who held my heart and being and not some weak human. There was an upside to that regenerative power of his; I could be a little more rough, without as much fear that it would bring him permanent harm then with a human. He was much stronger, more resilient then I was giving him credit for.

By losing myself to my thoughts like I had, I accidently let that part of me which I had been hoping I could keep restrained for a bit longer was able to seep out just a little. It wasn't much, but it was enough to blur my state of mind and let my instincts have more reign then I would ever have usually let them unless I was hunting. My senses leaped into hyperdrive; I could hear everything nearby, and my muscles were tense, quivering, beneath my marble skin. I was a predator waiting to pounce, and I knew that my 'prey' would be within striking range soon.

I heard him before he knew that I was in the bathroom. I could hear his heartbeat, and feel every wave of emotion inside of him. When he drew close, I could feel anger, hurt, and resentment rolling off of him and my eyes narrowed; my instincts roared, telling me to go and chase down whoever it was you had dared to hurt my mate. That could not be tolerated, but I was more interested in making him feel better.

I felt the spike of lust, and then heard his heartbeat becoming clearer as he made his way to the bathroom; I could hear his heavy footfalls, even as he tried to make them quieter. He was trying to sneak up on me; a feral grin ripped across my face; so the prey thought it was the predator? Well, I would show it it's true place...